The Wizard of Who!
by OtterFrog
Summary: The Whos have asked me to help them put on a play. Guess what they chose? Fun for all! I hope. And yes! It's been updated! It is now Complete! Huzza! I love that word.:
1. Chapter 1

THE WIZARD OF WHO!!

**Prologue**

This is what happens when I allow my mind to wander off unattended. It comes back with ideas like this!!

I apologize in advance to those of you who dislike fanfics written in script format. I just feel that this story, with its subject, is best served in this form.

It's also more fun!

Scene: A busy theater filled with various Whos running about doing various jobs. One human is among them (Me, the Author! Yay!) and is talking to a group in a corner.

Me: Ok, now we all know what we're going to do here, we're going to put on a nice amusing play that everybody will want to see and all the proceeds will go to the Whoville Rebuilding Fund. We're clear on that, right?

Who Group nods.

Me: Great! Now I believe Ms Yelp has the parts and scripts printed and sorted so let's start handing them out. We'll get to the costuming later but right now I just want to iron out any problems. Hanna? As the Mayor's oldest daughter, I felt the part of Dorothy should go to you.

Hanna: Yaayy!! I'm Dorothy! I'm Dorothy! *dances*

95 other daughters: That's not fair! I want to be Dorothy! No, me! No! Me! Waaahh!!

Me: Now now, you all get parts too. We need Munchkins! Lots of Munchkins to dance around!

95 other daughters: Yaaaayy! We're Munchkins!

Me: *whew!*

Ned: Good save!

Me: Yeah. That was a close one. Sally? I think you'd be a great one to play Glinda, the Good Witch.

Ned: Oh, she's good, all right. *hugs Sally and winks at her*

Sally:*gives laugh and pushes him away* Oh Ned! Not in front of the children! Oh, I see I'll get to wear a nice fancy gown. Oooh and a crown! How nice!

Me: Mayor? You, of course, will be the Wizard!

Ned: *holds lapel of fur jacket cut lapel and strikes pose* But of course! *takes script with a noble air but then drops all the pages, scattering them over the floor* Oh darn.

Me: *shakes head but continues* Ms Yelp, you're going to be Aunty Em.

Ms Yelp: What? I'm no actress! I'm just an assistant. You didn't tell me I was going to be in this thing too.

Me: Wellll, it'll sure look good on a Whospace page. You know, a starring role?

Ms Yelp: All right. As long as I don't have to wear an apron.

Me: Got it. No apron. *makes note* Ok, let's see…..Jojo? I'm afraid this part goes to you. *hands down script.

Jojo: *studies script* What…..

Me: You're the best one for this part….

Jojo: I'm not doing it. *drops script and crosses arms stubbornly*

Me: Oh come on, Jojo. It's for Whoville after all.

Jojo: *arms still crossed* I'm not doing it.

Me: Well, then tell me who we're supposed to get for it, Finwick???

Jojo: I don't care. I'm not going to do it.

Ned: Oh come on, Jojo.

Jojo: I'm still not doing it.

Sally: Please, Jojo?

Jojo: *facepalms* But..but….but…

Ned: *walks over and places hand on Jojo's shoulder* Come on, be a good sport. Like she said, it IS for Whoville.

Jojo: *growls* Oh…oh all right. *snatches up script from floor and stalks off* I'll be Toto. Happy now?

Me: All right, now that we've got that settled. Burt from Accounting? We'd like you to be the Scarecrow.

Burt: *says nothing but holds up coffee cup in a salute as he takes script*

Me: But don't forget, scarecrows don't drink coffee. You'll have to keep that off the set. Ok…now who's next…..the Cowardly Lion….Mr Magillacuddy, would you be so kind? Ah thank you. And the role of the Tin Man goes to…the Old Man in the bathtub! But be careful not to rust!

Old Man in the Bathtub: I will be sure to make this a clean performance.

Me: I'm sure you will. Mr Chairman? I'm afraid the part of the Wicked Witch of the West goes to you.

Mr. Chairman: Wha..at? *sputters* But..but that's a woman's role! Why me?

Me: Well, you get to be mean to everybody, screech and yell a lot, plus the Wicked Witch is green and so are you. It'll be easier on the makeup department. We do have to cut corners where we can.

Mr Chairman: *sighs* Oh all right, but only because it's for Whoville! *takes script*

Jojo: Hee hee hee!

Mr Chairman: What are you laughing at?

Jojo: The Wicked Old Witch! Ha ha!

Mr Chairman: Hmph! Well, at least it's a –speaking- part, which is more than you have…OW!!!!! *grabs leg and starts hopping about* He BIT me! Mr Mayor, I demand you leash your son immediately!!!

Jojo: Grrrrrrrr!!!

Ned: Now now, take it easy, son. Keep it for the stage.

Me: Ok now. Today look over your parts, get familiar with your lines and tomorrow we'll all head over to the costume department for fitting! Thank you all for coming and I will see you then!

This looks to be a pretty long story, so stay tuned!!!


	2. Chapter 2

The Wizard of Who!!

**The Fittings**

Scene: In the Costuming Department.

Me: All right, is everybody here? I see most of you have already gotten started.

Sally: *giggles as she twirls in a lovely white lacy ball gown* I haven't worn something like this since we were married!

Ned: *beams at her* And you look just as lovely as you did then, my dear.

Sally: *beams back* Oh you!

Burt: Heh, get a room, you two!

Ned: *sweeps Sally around in an impromptu waltz* What's the matter, Burt? Jealous?

Burt: What, think I can't dance better than you? *grabs Ms Yelp and whirls her around*

Ms Yelp: Stop this, please! I've no time for such nonsense!

Me: Ok ok, let's get back on track here. I have an apology to make, along with a very special announcement. First off, I didn't fill a role here yesterday as the script was left in the Xerox machine.

Ms Yelp: Sorry, I got distracted by some screaming in the background.

Ned: *sulks* I was just trying to help!

Sally: We know, dear, but perhaps some things are best left to the staff?

Ned: *grumbling* I swear all staplers are out to get me.

Me: No problem, we got it settled now. It's the part of Uncle Henry.

Ned: Oh yes. To the Chairman's Aunty Em. Who's going to be the significant other, I wonder.

Chairman: *mutters*At least I know it won't be you or this young whelp of yours.

Me: I also overlooked the addition of another actor for this play. One you all know and love and is eager to assist us. *speaks into walkie-talkie* Hey! You there?

Horton: I read you loud and clear, Director!

Ned: Hey Horton!

Horton: Hey Mayor!

Sally: So you're going to be in this too? How nice!

Horton: Yep. I'm Uncle Henry!

Jojo: Great to have you here, Horton!

Horton: Great to be here, Jojo! Well, in a sense, anyway.

Chairman: Yes, well, that's good but how can he be in this play when he can't even come onto the stage?

Me: Simple. We make up a cardboard effigy and put a loudspeaker in it! Jojo, that's your department since we're also going to be looking to you for the special effects here.

Jojo: Special effects? Me? Cool! I can think of a lot of neat stuff that we can use!

Me: I'm sure you can. But let's not get carried away, ok?

Burt: Hey Horton! Remember me?

Horton: Oh yes, how could I forget Burt from Accounting? How's things, Burt?

Burt: Pretty good. I'm the Scarecrow, you know.

Horton: You are? Well, then just remember this. *pauses for effect* 'A person's a person, no matter how straw!!'

*Everybody moans*

Ned: Horton? That was truly awful!

Horton: Heh, isn't it though? Sorry, I just couldn't resist! Usually I don't think of those lines till later.

Chairman: I wish you did. Much later.

Me: Ok, back to work. Um…..Dorothy, where's my Dorothy?

Hanna: I'm here. But do I –have- to wear a blue dress? I don't like blue.

Me: Wellll, that could be changed. What color do you like?

Hanna: Fuchsia!

Me: Oy. On a farm? You're supposed to be living on a farm.

Hanna: Oh. Ok. Could it be red then?

Me: Red is doable.

Hanna: Yay!

Me: All right, Burt. Did you try on your Scarecrow costume?

Burt: Yeah I did. And I'm afraid there's a problem.

Me: Uh…what is it?

Burt: It's mostly straw, right?

Me: Yeah. Scarecrows usually are stuffed with straw.

Burt: Well, y'see..I have hay fever sometimes and…

Me: Oh. Great.

Sally: Couldn't you use that fake straw stuff they sell in craft stores?

Me: We're going to need pounds of that though. Have to consider the budget!

Burt: I could take double my medication….

Me: Don't do anything that would risk your health. We'll just find another scarecrow.

Burt: But I like being the Scarecrow. That costume goes well with my mustache even if it –is- straw.

Ned: *chuckles* What, your costume or your mustache?

Burt: Now who's jealous? *wags mustache*

Me: We'll see what we can do. Maybe if we use just the slightest amount of straw, Old Man in the Bathtub (or out of it at this point) how does the Tinman costume fit?

OMINB: Fine but there's no place to put my rubber duck!

Me: -_-

Me: All right, The Wicked Witch? Where's my Wicked Witch?

Chairman: I'm here. *strikes dramatic pose with broom and black gown* This does make quite the fashion statement, doesn't it?

Jojo: *smirks* Yeah, that the wearer is a colorblind boob.

Chairman: Oh, is someone's dog collar on a bit too tight?

Jojo: *shows teeth* Grrrr!

Me: Come on, you two. Break it up. Ah…Jojo?

Jojo: Hm?

Me: Toto did not have a spiked collar.

Jojo: But it looks cool! Like I'm a pit dog or something!

Chairman: Yes, a pit Yorkie.

Jojo: *shows teeth again* Grrrrr!!

Me: Come on, Jojo. Toto is a small cute dog that cheers Dorothy up. A terrier, to be precise. He wasn't a junk yard dog.

Chairman: *musing* That could be arranged..OWW!! LEGGO!! *hops about* Keep him off me!!!!~

Jojo: WOOF!!!

Me: Jojo. No arguing. Lose the spikes. Plain collar. Ok? And stop biting!!

Jojo: *crestfallen* Oh jeez. Ok.

Me: The Lion. Where's my Cowardly Lion? Oh there you are. Ah….one suggestion.

Mr Mugillacuddy: Mmph?

Me: The face is frontwards. *takes head off costume and turns it around* That's better.

Mr Mugillacuddy: Hey! I can see!

Chairman: *rolls eyes* It's a miracle.

Me: Ok, it seems we're up to speed on the costumes. And the missing role, now played by Horton.

Horton: That's me! Good ol' Uncle Henry! *starts singing* I am Uncle Henery the Eighth I am! Uncle Henery the Eighth I am I am……

Me: Ah….yeah And thankfully we have no widows next door. *makes note on clipboard* That leaves me more time to figure out this next problem.

Ms Yelp: And that is?

Me: Well, you know the witch has these soldiers and a troop of flying monkeys. I have to figure out how many we can afford to get as stage extras. Darn budget really isn't allowing for much here.

Sally: Ah, may I make a suggestion, Ms Director?

Me: Heh, 'Ms Director'. I like that! Oh, yes, Sally. By all means. Suggest away!

Sally: You're using our daughters as the Munchkins, correct? Well, since they're only going to be in that role for the first part of the play, why not have them change costumes and half of them be the witch's soldiers and the other half the flying monkeys? That should simplify things.

Me: *stares open-mouthed for moment* Sally. That is Brilliant! Simply brilliant!

Sally: Oh, it's nothing, just a thought I had.

Ned: *comes up and kisses Sally* See? That is why I married her! That and she makes great Whoberry pancakes!

Chairman: *mutters* At least –somebody- in that family has some resemblance of brains…OW!! YOU BITE ME ONE MORE TIME, YOU LITTLE MISCREANT, AND I AM CALLING THE WHOVILLE POUND!!!!!

Jojo: GRRRRRRRR!!!

Ned: Jojo! Knock it off! Heh, he didn't mean anything by it, Mr Chairman. Really. Heh.

Chairman: *in an icy tone* I trust he's had all his shots?

Ned: Why, yes. All our children's vaccinations are current!

Jojo: *sticks tongue out at Chairman* Woof.

Chairman: *mutters* Insolent whelp.

Me: All right all right all right! Tomorrow we're going to start a quick rehearsal. Everybody be here by 11. Got it? Horton, I don't know if you've got any time pieces in the jungle but it's almost noon, got that?

Horton: I'll be here. Just give me a shout.

Me: Very good. Ok, remember, look over your lines.

Everyone nods and the group starts to break up. The Chairman walks past Jojo and 'accidently' whacks him with the broomstick.

Jojo: Yipe!


	3. Chapter 3

Wizard of Who Chapter Three

1st Rehearsal

Me: Ok ok ok, let's see what we got here. Everybody looked through their scripts, right? Any problems?

Hannah: Ms Director?

Me: Yes, Hannah?

Hannah: Would you --please-- tell Jojo not to howl when I'm practicing my song 'Over the Rainbow'!?

Me: 'Howling'?

Jojo: I can't help it. She hurts my ears when she sings!

Hannah: I do not! I happen to have a very nice voice. You're not the only one in this family that can sing! *starts to sing* 'Some-whereeeee over the rainbowwww!'

Jojo: Awwwoooooooooo!

Hannah: See! See? Make him stop!

Me: Jojo, please. Um, Sally?

Sally: Stop it, dear.

Jojo: Hmph. Can't a guy have any fun around here?

Me: Ok, what we're going to do here is a quick run through of the scripts. Today it'll be the barnyard scene at the Gale Farm. Dorothy, Toto, Aunty Em, Zeke, otherwise known as the Cowardly Lion, Hickory, the Tinman and Hunk, the Scarecrow. All the rest can go study their lines until I call you. All right? Let's get started. Dorothy?

Hanna: *clears throat* She isn't coming yet, Toto. Did she hurt you?

Jojo: Yipe! *glares at Chairman*

Hanna: Oh, she did?

Me: Ah excuse me. Do I have to separate you two?

Chairman: Hm? I was just passing by to find a nice quiet corner in which to study my lines.

Me: O…kay. Continue, please.

Hanna: Ah..um….oh. She tried to, didn't she? Come on, we'll go tell Aunty Em and Uncle Henry. Come on, Toto.

Jojo: Grrrr.

Hanna: Aunty Em! Aunty Em! Aunty Em!

Ms. Yelp: *wincing* Egads, do you have to use such a shrill voice??

Me: Stick with the script, please?

Ms. Yelp: *resignedly* Fifty-seven, fifty-eight….

Jojo: Counting birthday candles there?

Ms. Yelp: *glares at Jojo*

Me: Jojo.

Jojo: Ok. Ok. *slumps down*

Hanna: Just listen to what Miss Gulch did to Toto!

Chairman: *murmurs from down the hall* Just wait till they see what Miss Gulch does to Toto……

Me: Don't you start.

Ms. Yelp: Dorothy please! We're trying to count. Fifty-eight..

Hanna: But oh Aunty Em, she hit him!

Chairman: But of course.

Me: I'm liable to hit someone here myself.

Ms Yelp: Don't bother us now, honey. You see, this old incubator's gone bad and we're likely to lose a lot of our chicks.

Hanna: Oh, oh the poor little things. Oh but Aunt Em, Miss Gulch hit Toto right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets in her garden and chases her nasty old cat every day!

Chairman: Now there's an idea…..

Jojo: ……..!

Ms Yelp: Seventy…Dorothy, please!

Jojo: Seventy Hannas??? Oh good grief!

Hanna: *smacks Jojo with her script then continues* Oh but he doesn't do it every day! Just once or twice a week! And he can't catch her old cat anyway!

Jojo: I bet I can!

Hanna: Stop it! You made me lose my place! …her old cat…..And now she says she's going to get the….

Jojo: The what?

Hanna: I'm waiting for Ms Yelp. I mean, Aunty Em!

Ms Yelp: Oh! I'm sorry. Ah…Dorothy! We're busy!

Jojo: See? Even Aunty Em doesn't want to have anything to do with you! *snickers*

Me: Jojo, you are not helping here.

Jojo: *slumps down again* Oh all right.

Me: No, that's Dorothy's line.

Jojo: Huh?

Hanna: Oh all right.

Me; Ok, now Dorothy goes outside and walks to the farm hands. Mr Magillacuddy?

Magillacuddy: Oh! Right. Ah….How's she coming?

Burt: Take it easy. Ow! You got my finger!!

Magillacuddy: I did? I'm sorry!

Burt: *hissing* No! It's in the script!

Magillacuddy: Oh! Uh..well, why don't you get your finger out of the way?

OMINB: There you are!

Burt: Right on my finger! Uh, what are we doing exactly?

Me: Repairing a wagon wheel, I believe.

Magillacuddy: It's a lucky thing it wasn't your head!

Burt: Wha…oh right. The script!

Hanna: Zeke, what am I going to do about Miss Gulch? Just because Toto chases her old cat…

Magillacuddy: Listen honey, I got them hogs to get in.

Burt: Now lookit, Dorothy, you ain't using your head about Miss Gulch. You'd think you didn't have any brains at all.

Jojo: *smirks* He's right, you know!

Hanna: Stop it, Jojo! Um…I have so got brains!

Jojo: Could've fooled me!

Hanna: *whacks Jojo with her script again*

Me: Oy.

Burt: Well, why don't you use them?

Jojo: Yeah, why don't yo...ow!

Me: Behave yourself.

Burt: *ahem* Well, why don't you use them? Don't go by Miss Gulch's place. Then Toto won't get in her garden and you won't get into trouble. See?

Hanna: Oh Hunk, you just won't listen, that's all.

Burt: Well, your head ain't made of straw, y'know.

Jojo: *about to reply but then eyes me and slinks down*

Magillacuddy: Soo-ee! Get in there before I make a dime bank out of ya! Listen, kid. Are you going to let that old Gulch heifer try and buffalo you? She ain't nothing to be afraid of. Show a little courage, that's all.

Hanna: I'm not afraid of her.

Magillacuddy: Then the next time she squawks, walk right up to her and spit in her eye! That's what I'd do!

Me: *notices Jojo eyeing the Chairman and the Chairman eyeing him right back* Great. Just what I need, suggestions.

Hanna: *loudly* Oh! Oh! Oh Zeke! Zeke! Zeke, get me out of here! Help! Oh!

Everybody at the table winces.

Me: A little quieter might be nice.

Hanna: But I'm in trouble. People scream when they're in trouble.

Me: Yes, but it's just a bit much. A simple shout will suffice.

Jojo: *looks over at Hanna's papers* What are you yelling about anyway?

Hanna: I fell in the pig pen.

Jojo: Oh, is that all? You should be used to that by…Ow! Stoppit!!

OMINB: Are you all right, Dorothy?

Hanna* *still glaring at Jojo* Oh I'm all right. Oh I fell in and Zeke…why Zeke! You..you're just as scared as I was!

Burt: What's the matter, gonna let a little old pig make a coward of you?

OMITB: Look at you, Zeke! You're just as white as..

Ms Yelp: here, here, what's all this jabber-wrapping…

Jojo: 'Jabber-wrapping'?

Me: Talking.

Ms Yelp: *continuing* what's all this jabber-wrapping when there's work to be done? I know three shiftless farm hands that will be out of a job before they know it!

OMITB: Well, Dorothy was walking along the…

Ms Yelp: I saw you tinkering with that contraption, Hickory. Now you and Hunk get back to that wagon!

OMITB: All right, Mrs Gale, but some day they're going to erect a statue of me in this town and..

Ms Yelp: Well, don't start posing for it now. Here, here, can't work on an empty stomach. Have some crullers.

Burt: Some what?

Me: It's a sort of long doughnut.

Jojo: Where?

Me: At the moment it's only in the script.

Jojo: *clearly disappointed* Oh.

Burt: Gosh, Mrs Gale….do people still say 'gosh' anymore?

Ms Yelp: Just fried.

TOMITB: Thanks!

Burt: Swell! I guess people still say 'swell' too.

Magillacuddy: Y'see, Dorothy topped into the…into the..

Ms Yelp: It's no place for Dorothy about a pig sty! *Jojo opens mouth but quickly closes it when he gets glared at* Now you go feed them hogs before they worry themselves into anemia!

Magillacuddy: Yes m'am.

Hanna: Aunty Em, really. Do you know what Miss Gulch said she was going to do to Toto? She said she was going to…

Ms Yelp: Now Dorothy dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret over nothing.

Hanna: Well…

Ms Yelp: Now just help us out today and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble.

Hanna: A place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto?

Jojo: Yap! Well, I gotta have a line in here somewhere!!

Hanna: Hmph. There must be. Not a place where you can get to by a boat or a plane. It's far far away, behind the moon, beyond the rain…

Jojo: You're not going to sing again, are you?

Hanna: I have to!

Jojo: Let me get my earmuffs on first.

Me: Ok, you two, that's enough! Well, that was a good first run. Tomorrow we'll get to the farm house scene. Horton should be able to join us then.

Jojo: Yay Horton!

Me: Thank you all, a good first run. Keep working on your lines now. See you tomorrow!


	4. Chapter 4

**Wizard of Who Chapter Four**

**Chapter Four**

Farm House Scene Readthru:

Me: *sets walkie talkie on table* Are we coming through ok, Horton?

Horton: Loud and clear, Director! Hey guys!

*Chorus of greetings to Horton*

Me: All right, now for the scene in the farm house. We start with…Miss Gulch.

Chairman: *ahem* Mr Gale.

Horton: Howdy, Miss Gulch.

Chairman: I want to see you and your wife right away, about Dorothy.

Horton: Heh, I have a wife! Oh yeah, right. Sorry. Dorothy? Well, what has Dorothy done?

Chairman: What has she done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg! *glares at Jojo*

Jojo: *rolls eyes and looks innocent*

Horton: You mean she bit you?

Chairman: No! Her dog! *mutters in low voice* That little s….

Horton: Oh, she bit her dog, eh? Heh, that's funny!

Chairman: No! That dog is a menace to the community! I'm taking him to the Sheriff and make sure he's destroyed!

Jojo: *whimpers*

Chairman: And if not destroyed there's a little matter of neutering……

Jojo: *slips under the table*

Me: Come on, let's just stick to the script please?

Hanna: Destroyed? Toto? Oh you can't! You mustn't! Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! You won't let her, will you?

Jojo: *creeps up so only top of his head and eyes are at table level* Yeah, Uncle Henry! Say something!!

Horton: 'Course we won't. Will we, Em?

Hanna: Oh please Aunty Em? Toto didn't mean to! He didn't know he was doing anything wrong! I'm the one who ought to be punished! I let him go in her garden! You can send me to bed without supper!

Jojo: Yeah! Punish her, not me!

Chairman: *with evil glee and grin to match* If you don't hand over that dog I'll bring a damage suit that will take your whole farm. There's a law protecting people from dogs (and kids) who bite!

Jojo: *slips under table again*

Ms Yelp: How would it be if she keeps him tied up? He's really gentle, with gentle people, that is.

Chairman: Well, that's for the sheriff to decide. Here's his order allowing me to take him. Unless you want to go against….*leans forward with folded hands* ..the Law.

Horton: Uh…yes…

Ms Yelp: No, we can't go against the law, Dorothy. I'm afraid poor Toto will have to go.

Jojo: *jumps up but bangs his head on the table because he was still under it* Wha..OW!

Chairman: *still with evil and gleeful voice* Now you're seeing reason.

Hanna: No…

Chairman: Here's what I'm taking him in, so he can't..*speaks through gritted teeth* ..bite me again!

Horton: Now wait just a minute down there! Are you putting Jojo in a cage??

Me: No, it's just the script, Horton. Toto's going to be in a basket.

Chaiman: Tied shut with a strong rope and weighted down with some rocks, I trust?

Me: What are you implying here, Chairman? Come on. Just a basket. A simple plain basket.

Horton: Ah. Ok.

Hanna: No! No! No! *everyone flinches at the high voice* I won't let you take him! Go away! I'll bite you myself!

Chairman: Please! One Who brat with teeth is quite enough!

Jojo: *holds hands over ears* If she keeps screeching like that I'm liable to jump in that basket by myself!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Me: Get back to the script, peoples. Who's next? Um…Ms Yelp.

Ms Yelp: Dorothy!

Hanna: Oh you wicked old witch! Uncle Henry! Auntie Em! Don't let 'em take Toto! Don't let her take him! Please!

*sounds of sobs comes from the walkie talkie*

Me: Horton?

Horton: *sniffs* Oh don't mind me. It's just so…sad….they're taking her poor little doggie away!

Chairman: I've got an order. Let me…*in an even more gleeful evil voice*…have him.

Jojo: *crawls out from under table and hides behind my chair*

Hanna: Stop her!

Ms Yelp: Put him in the basket, Henry.

Horton: Ah…how am I going to do that?

Me: Good point. I guess we'll have to revise it so Aunty Em puts him in the basket.

Chairman: Why not me? I could do it easily.

Jojo: *whimpers again*

Me: I think it would be better if Aunty Em did. Ok, the script…

Chairman: The idea!

Horton: Huh?

Chairman: It's in the script.

Horton: Oh!

Hanna: Don't, Uncle Henry..I mean..Aunty Em! Oh Toto!

Ms Yelp: Almira Gulch, just because you own half the county doesn't mean you have the power to run the rest of us! For twenty-three years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you. And now, well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!

Jojo: I can!

Chairman: You better not, you little…

Me: Ok, ok. So Toto goes into the basket and Miss Gulch rides off on her bike. Toto works the top loose and jumps out. He runs back home and jumps into the window of Dorothy's bedroom.

Chairman: Let me put him in that basket. He won't get out!

Hanna: Toto darling!

Jojo: Wait. Does she –have- to call me 'darling'?? *makes face*

Hanna: *sticks out tongue* Oh I got you back! You came back!

Jojo: You keep up with that screechy voice I may leave again!

Hanna: Oh shut up! Oh I'm so glad, Toto! Oh they'll be coming back for you in a minute! We've got to get away! We've got to run away!

Chairman: *under his breath* If only…..

Me: ok, next scene is going to be at Professor Marvel's wagon. Mr Mayor? Mr Mayor!

Jojo: Dad! Come on! You're up!

Ned: Ok, coming..I'm coming…*drops script pages on floor again* Oh, darn.

Me: I thought you stapled all those together.

Ned: Ah…long story.

**Chapter Five**

**Professor Marvel's Wagon, Roadside Readthru**

Me: All right, so now Dorothy and Toto are walking down the road. They come across a horse and wagon on the side of the road. A man is sitting by a campfire roasting a sausage, or hot dog, or something.

Jojo: When do we break for lunch?

Me: After this readthru. Ok, Ned. Take it away.

Ned: *straighten tie* Ahem. Well well well! House guests huh? Ha ha ha ha! And who might you be? No no, now don't tell me. *puts hand to forehead and closes eyes, then realizes he couldn't read the script in that pose. Opens one eye* Let's see, you're…traveling in disguise! No, that's not right. You're…..you're going on a visit! No, I'm wrong. You're…..you're…running away!

Chairman: *muttering* Sounds as if this 'professor' is as intelligent as our mayor. Hey!! Don't you come any closer, you miserable….

Jojo: Grrrrr!!!

Me: Come on, you two. Hanna?

Hanna: How did you guess?

Ned: Professor Marvel never guesses! He knows! Ha ha! Now, why are you running away?

Jojo: I thought you knew?

Hanna: Why…

Ned: *giving Jojo a sideways look* No no, now don't tell me. They…..don't understand you at home. They don't appreciate you.

Jojo: *muttering* I can relate.

Ned: *pretending not to hear that* You want to see other lands! Big cities! Big cities! Big mountains! Big oceans!

Chairman: *yawning* Big mouth.

Jojo: No, that's Hanna. Ow! Why'd you hit ME for? He started it!

Hanna: Why, it's like you can read inside of me!"

Ned: Yes!

Hanna: Oh Toto! That's not polite! We haven't been asked first!

Jojo: Huh?? What'd I do???

Me: You took Professor Marvel's hot dog.

Jojo: I did not! Prove it!

Ned: It's in the script, Jojo.

Jojo: Oh. Well, walking along a road makes a dog hungry.

Ned: Ha ha ha! He's perfectly welcome! Ha ha! As one dog to another, eh? Ha ha ha! Let's see now. Where were we?

Hanna: Oh please, professor. May we go with you and see all the crowned heads of Europe?

Chairman: *muttering again* I'd like to 'crown' just one head.

Jojo: Grr.

Ned: Do you know any? Oh. Oh you mean the thing. Yes. Well, I..I never do anything without consulting my crystal first. Let's go inside here. We'll..just come along. *breaks off* Wait. A young girl going into a wagon with a stranger? Do we really want to show this?

Me: Hmm…you may have a point there. Perhaps if we change it to you bringing the crystal out. There'll be a small table by the campfire.

Ned: *nods* Then we'll have to change this to 'let me go get the crystal. Or it. Hmmm…where did I leave off….oh yes. Sit down here. That's it. Ha ha ha!

Jojo: You sure are doing a lot of laughing.

Ned: *shrugs* I'm a good natured professor. Now this..this is the same genuine magic authentic crystal used by the priests of Isis and Osiris in the days of the pharaohs of Eygyt.

Burt: The who of the where?

Me: Ancient earth history. I guess we'll have to substitute some ancient Whostery instead.

Ned: *points at Jojo* I think you could dig something up for us, from your schoolbooks.

Jojo: *makes face* Why me? Hanna's the one who gets the good grades in that stuff!

Ned: Because you need to learn it as well. This little exercise will be good for you. Now…ahem….in which Cleopatra first saw the approach of Julius Caesar and Mark Antony…

Me: Jojo, we need more history substitutes.

Jojo: *pouting* I thought I was only going to work on the special effects.

Me: Well, in a way, this is.

Ned: ….and so on and so on. Now you…you'd better close your eyes, my child, for a moment, in order to be in tune with the infinite. We..we can't do these things without reaching into the infinite. *breaks off* Now, what exactly am I doing here?

Me: You're taking Dorothy's basket when her eyes are closed and looking through it.

Ned: *aghast* I'm robbing her????

Me: No! You're just looking for clues. You find a picture of the farmhouse with Aunty Em. You put it back and will now consult the crystal.

Ned: Ok, as long as everything is on the up and up. Ahem. *waves hands over pretend crystal* Now you can open them. We gaze into the crystal. Ah, what's this I see? A

house with a picket fence, and a barn…with a weathervane of…a running horse.

Hanna: That's our farm!

Jojo: No duh.

Ned: Jojo. Oh yes. Yes. There's…there's…there's a woman. She's…she's wearing a…a polka-dot dress.

Ms. Yelp: I do not look good in polka-dots!

Me: It's just for the photo.

Ned: Her face is careworn.

Ms Yelp: It is not!

Me: It's in the script…

Hanna: That's Aunt Em.

Ned: Yes. Her..her name is Emily.

Jojo: It is?

Ms Yelp: It certainly is not!

Hanna: That's right. What is she doing?

Ned: Well..I can't see…why..she's crying!

Hanna: Oh.

Ned: Someone has hurt her. Someone has just broken her heart.

Hanna: Me?

Ms Yelp: My heart is quite fine, thank you.

Ned: Well it's…it's someone she loves very much. Someone she's been very kind to. Someone she's taken care of in sickness.

Burt: And here I thought you were just an assistant!

Ms Yelp: Burt, go account something.

Hanna: I had the measles once and she stayed by me every minute!

Ned: Uh huh.

Hanna: What's she doing now?

Ned: Yes, she's…what's this? Why, she's putting her hand on her heart! She's..she's dropping down on the bed!

Jojo: She's faking it!

Hanna: Oh no! No!

Ned: Well, that's it. The crystal's gone dark.

Jojo: Wind it up again. Or turn it over to see what the message reads.

Hanna: Oh you..you don't suppose she could really be sick, do you? Oh! Oh I've got to get home right away!

Ned: but what's this? I thought you were going along with me?

Hanna: Oh no! No, I have to get to her right away! Come on, Toto! Come on!

Jojo: Does everybody have to tell me what to do in this play? Come here, Toto. Come on Toto! Jump in the basket, Toto!

Hanna: Goodbye, Professor Marvel! And thanks!

Ned: Better get under cover, Sylvester. There's a storm blowing! A whopper, to speak in the vernacular of the peasantry. Poor little kid. I hope she gets home all right.

Jojo: That was great, Dad!

Ned: *bows* Thank you, son.

**The Gale Farm Scene**

Me: All right, we're now back at the farmyard. The wind is picking up and everybody's scrambling to prepare for the storm. Jojo, can you rig some sort of fan for us? One that blows enough to look like a small storm brewing?

Jojo: *sniffs* Piece of cake. Why not a hurricane?

Me: Because we don't want evrybody flying off the stage.

Jojo: That takes all the fun out of it then. But sure. I can do that.

Me: Good, thank you. Horton? I believe you open this scene first.

Horton: *very loudly and commanding* Hurry up and get them horses loose! Find Hickory! Hickory! Hickory! Doggone it! Hickory! Heh, that's fun!

OMitB: Why are you yelling for me?

Horton: It's in the script.

OMitB: Ah!

Magillacuddy: It's a twister! It's a twister!

Jojo: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Ms Yelp: Dorothy! Dorothy!

Ned: *muttering* It certainly has gotten noisy in these past few moments.

Horton: Hasn't it though? I bet even Vvlad can hear you guys now! Oops, my turn, isn't it? Uh….Come on! Everybody in the storm cellar!

Ms Yelp: Henry! Henry! I can't find Dorothy! She's somewhere out in the strom! Dorothy! Dorothy!

Hanna: Aunty Em! Aunty Em! Aunty Em!

Jojo: Even the storm can't be as loud as you are.

Hanna: Shut up! I'm not finished yet! Aunty Em! Aunty Em! Oh, sorry. One too many Aunty Ems. Come and let me in! Aunty Em!

Jojo: Why would they let you in screeching like that?

Hanna: *glaring at Jojo* We must be up inside the cyclone!

Jojo: I wish.

Hanna: Oh, Miss Gulch!

Chairman: Ah hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Hanna: Oh!

Me: That was one creepy laugh.

Jojo: *from under the table* Tell me about it.

Me: Ok, next reading will be the scene in Oz. Ned, hope you got all the scripts to your daughters. Tomorrow is going to be quite busy!

Ned: Yes, but it'll be fun too. Sally will be here. I can't wait!

Chairman: I believe I can.


	5. Chapter 5

**Wizard of Who Chapter Five**

*****I suppose I should do a disclaimer here, even though I highly doubt anybody in their right mind would actually believe I own any of the characters from the Horton Hears A Who movie or the Wizard of Oz!! So, nope, it's true. I don't. Also many thanks to the wonderful site of ****.com**** for the Oz scripts! :D*****

**Readthru of **Dorothy's Arrival in Oz

Me: *trying to make my way through a crowd of young Who girls all bouncing around singing 'We're Munchkins! We're Munchkins!!'* I'm glad to see they're all excited about this.

Sally: Oh my yes. They started early this morning.

Ned: They could hardly stay in their chairs at breakfast.

Jojo: They gave me a headache.

Sally: I have some Whospirin, dear. Would you like some?

Me: While the medication is being doled out, let's see who we have here in this scene. Hmm, Sally makes her debut, along with the Witch. Ok. Dorothy and Toto have survived the scary trip of a flying house.

Jojo: I can rig the bed up to pitch and twirl. That could be fun!

Hanna: You know I get motion sickness easily!

Jojo: *shrugs* Not my fault. Then perhaps you shouldn't be Dorothy. Still, if you threw up on stage it could add to the realism.

Me: Ahh….

Jojo: Well, think about it. If –you- were in a house flying up in a twister and spinning around, wouldn't –you- get sick?

Me: Let's just leave that to the imagination of the audience. But a slight movement of the bed could be done.

Jojo: Heh heh heh.

Me: A SLIGHT motion, mind.

Jojo: Awww.

Me: So, Dorothy and Toto have arrived in the land of Oz. Hanna, don't forget to pick up the basket before you get out of the house.

Hanna: Ok.

Jojo: *snickers* Hanna's a basket case! Ow! Mom, c'mon!

Sally. Try to behave yourself, dear.

Hanna: Toto, I don't believe we're in Kansas anymore…Um..what's a Kansas anyway?

Me: Oh dear, another bit of tweaking we have to do. Substitute 'Whoville'.

Hanna: Ok. Toto, I don't believe we're in Whoville anymore!

Me: *waving* Ok, Munchkins! Let's here a giggle!

*95 Who girls start giggling*

Me: Ok, good! Thanks. Quiet now. Remember, you're all hiding from Dorothy for the moment. She just came out of a flying house out of nowhere so you're a bit scared.

Jojo: I'd be scared of her too!

Hanna: *glares at Jojo*

*95 Who girls all giggily shush each other*

Jojo: Yeeks, are we surrounded by snakes??

Hanna: We must be over the rainbow!

Jojo: You're still on this rainbow song kick, aren't you?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo. Now I know we're not in Kan..I mean..Whoville anymore!

Me: All right, Dorothy is slowly walking around, Toto following…

Jojo: Is that all I get to do in this? Follow her around?

Me: You're Toto, after all. Then the good witch Glinda makes her appearance. Sally, your entrance.

Sally: Oh my! *ahem* *says in a sweet tone* Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Jojo: Can I answer that?

Hanna: NO! Me? I'm not a witch at all. Don't say anything, Jojo! I'm Dorothy Gale, from Whoville.

Sally: Well then, is that the witch? *points to Jojo*

Jojo: Huh?

Hanna: Ha ha ha ha haaaa! See that, smarty? Who, Toto? Toto's my stupid dog.

Jojo: *growls at Hanna* Grr!

Sally: Please, dear. Well, I'm a little muddled. The Munchkins called me because a new witch has just dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the house. And here you are and that's all that's left of the Wicked the East.

Hanna: Eeewww! You mean there's going to be a body on the stage somewhere??

Me: No, all we see of the dead witch is her feet sticking out from under the house wearing the ruby slippers.

Jojo: Must've been a pretty stupid witch not to be able to dodge a falling house.

Me: You try it sometime and see how good you are in that.

Sally: And so, what the Munchkins want to know is…are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Jojo: May I PLEEASE answer that?

Hanna: NO! But I've already told you. I'm not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.

Me: I need another Munchkin giggle here.

*95 Who girls giggle*

Me: Thank you.

Hanna: What was that?

Sally: The Munchkins. They're laughing because I am a witch. I'm Glinda, the Witch of the North.

Hanna: You are! I beg your pardon! But I've never heard of a beautiful witch before.

Sally: Only bad witches are ugly.

Hanna: *mumbles* And stupid brothers.

Jojo: I heard that!

Hanna: Good!

Sally: Now now. The Munchkins are happy because you have freed them from the Wicked Witch of the East!

Hanna: Oh, but, if you please. What are Munchkins?

Sally: The little people who live in this land. This is Munchkinland and you are their national heroine, my dear.

Jojo: They don't know her very well then. *holds up hands to deflect a whack* Ok ok ok!

Sally: It's all right. You may come out and thank her.

Me: This is where you Munchkins all come out, but slowly and cautiously. You're still not quite sure if its safe.

*95 Who girls tiptoe around*

Sally: *singing* Come out, come out, wherever you are, and meet the young lady who fell from a star.

Jojo: I thought we fell out of a twister?

Sally: *waves at Jojo in a shushing manner* She fell from the sky, she fell very far. And Whoville they say, is the name of this star.

Me: Ok girls, all together now.

95 Who girls: Whoville she says is the name of this star!

Sally: She brings you good news. Oh haven't you heard? When she fell out of Whoville, a miracle occurred.

Jojo: Oh no. Hanna's going to sing again. *puts hands over ears*

Hanna: *glares at Jojo* It really was no miracle, what happened was just this. The wind began to swish, the house, to pitch. And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Jojo: Ergh.

Hanna: Just then the witch, to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.

Jojo: What?

Me: Munchkins?

95 Who girls: And oh what happened then was rich!

Hanna: The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.

Jojo: What's a slitch?

Hanna: It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch.

Me: Again, munchkins!

95 Who girls: Which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch! *all start dancing around repeating the verses* The wind began to swish, the house, to pitch! And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch!

Jojo: My headache's coming back, Mom.

95 Who girls: *finishing* Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch!

Me: Ok, I need one Munchkin. All right, you. Say this.

Who girl: We thank you very sweetly. For doing it so neatly.

Me: Very good! How about you? Read these lines.

Who girl: You're killed her so completely! So we thank you very sweetly!

Jojo: Hey! Wait a minute! That means Dorothy is a murderer! Don't they have laws in this place?

Hanna: Am not! The house killed her!

Jojo: Your house, right?

Me: It's just a play, for heaven's sake.

Jojo: Yeah but still. A murder's a murder!

Sally: Let's not be turning this into a game of Clue now.

Jojo: Heh, Dorothy did it in the library with a house!

Sally: Ah yes. Let the joyous news be spread! The wicked old witch at last is dead!

95 Who girls skip and sing: Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

Ned: I have a feeling we're going to be hearing this song for a long time after the play's over.

Sally: You may be right, dear.

Jojo: *groans* Oh great.

95 Who girls: Wake up, sleepy head! Rub your eyes! Get out of bed! Wake up the witch is dead!

Jojo: Who could sleep through that noise?

95 Who girls: She's gone where the goblins go! Below! Below below! Yo-ho let's open up and sing and ring the bells out! Ding dong the merry-o! Sing it high sing it low! Let them know the wicked witch is dead!

Me: Ok, I need two more Munchkins. You and…ah…you! Ok, here you go.

Who girl 1: As mayor of the Munchkin City..hey Dad! I'm a mayor now too!

Ned: Good girl!

Who girl/Munchkin Mayor: As mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally.

Me: Ok, you.

Who girl 2: But we've got to verify it legally to see…

Jojo: See? They have lawyers here. Arrest her for murder!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: To see?

Who Girl Barrister: If she…

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: If she?

Jojo: What are you, a parrot?

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: Shut up, Jojo.

Who girl Barrister: Is morally, ethically…

Me: *hands out more roles*

Who girl 3: Spiritually, physically…

Who girl 4: Positively, absolutely…

95 Who girls: Undeniable and reliably DEAD!

Jojo: She had a house drop on her! How more dead can you get?

Me: *hands out another page*

Who girl 5: As coroner I must aver. I've thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead!

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: Then this is a day for Independence! For all Munchkins and their descendants! Let the joyous news be spread! The wicked old witch at last is dead!

*95 Who girls start singing 'Ding dong the witch is dead!' again*

Me: Ok, now the Mayor has picked some of you out for these next bits. Let's start with the Lullaby League!

3 Who girls: We represent the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League! And in the name of the Lullaby League we wish to welcome you to Munchkinland!

Sally: Very good, girls!

Me: Ok, next?

3 other Who girls: We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild! And in the name of the Lollipop Guild! We wish to welcome you to Munchkinland!

Ned: Yes! Well done!

95 Who girls: We welcome you to Munchkinland! Tra la la la la la la la la laaa!

Who girl Munchkin mayor: From now on you'll be history!

Who girl Barrister: You'll be history!

Who girl 3: You'll be history!

Who girl 4: You'll be history!

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: We will glorify your name! And you'll be a bust!

Who girl Barrister: Be a bust!

Who girl 3: Be a bust!

Jojo: *murmurs* She already –is- a bust!

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: In the Hall of Fame!

Me: Ok, Chairman? This is your big entrance! Um…Chairman? Hello?

Chairman: Oh, sorry. I was just getting some Whospirin. I seemed to have acquired a headache in the past few minutes.

Me: You make your appearance in a billowing cloud of smoke! Jojo, your department again.

Jojo: Heh, really?

Me: But let's not try to choke everybody. You, Chairman, scare everybody.

Jojo: He does that all right!

Me: All the Munchkins go back into hiding. Chairman, you scowl around until you see the house with the feet sticking out from under it.

Chairman: I get the picture.

Hanna: I thought you said she was dead!

Sally: That was her sister, the wicked witch of the East. This is the wicked witch of the west and she's worse than the other one was.

Jojo: I could have told you that!

Chairman: *glaring at Jojo* Who killed my sister? Who killed the witch of the east? Was it……YOU?! *leans forward at Jojo suddenly*

Jojo: Yipe! *slips under table again*

Hanna: No, no. it was an accident! I didn't mean to kill anybody!

Chairman: Well, my little pretty. I can cause accidents too! *still watching Jojo* I must say, this role does have a certain relish to it!

Sally: Ah, aren't you forgetting the ruby slippers?

Chairman: The slippers! Yes!

Me: Ok, Jojo. You'll have to rig this up for us too. The legs of the dead witch just deflate and curl back out of sight. Hmm, how can we get the slippers on Dorothy without anybody seeing them?

Sally: I've seen the sets being made. They're rather large so Hanna could be standing behind one with flowers big enough to hide her feet and she can slip into them then.

Me: And it's another great idea from Sally!

*Everybody applauds*

Sally: Oh my, well. I'm just trying to help.

Ned: That's my Sally! *gives her a kiss*

Me: All right then. The witch goes to get the slippers and they've disappeared.

Jojo: *smirks* I'd like to see him wearing ruby slippers!

Chairman: Would you like to try chewing them? The slippers! They're gone! The ruby slippers! What have you done with them? Give them back to me or I'll…

Sally: It's too late! There they are and there they'll stay!

Chairman: Give me back my slippers! I'm the only one who knows how to use them! They're of no use to you! Give them back to me! Give them back!

Jojo: Ok, so now not only is Dorothy a murderess, but she's also a thief!

Sally: Jojo, dear, let's keep with the play, all right?

Jojo: Wonder what's next, arson?

Sally: Jojo. Keep tight inside them. Their magic must be very powerful or she wouldn't want them so badly.

Chairman: You stay out of this, Glinda! Or I'll fix you as well!

Ned: Hey hey hey! Don't talk to my wife like that!

Sally: It's in the script, dear.

Ned: Oh, is it? Oh, ok. I'm sorry. Sorry. Carry on!

Sally: Oh rubbish! You have no power here! Be gone before somebody drops a house on you too!

Jojo: Can I rig that up?

Chairman: *glares at Jojo again and recites in an oily voice* Very well, I'll bide my time. And as for you! My fine lady, it's true that I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like. But just try and stay out of my way! Just try! I'll get you, my pretty! *leans forward towards Jojo* And your little dog too!

Jojo: *swallows* Um…since when did this become a horror show?

Me: All right, all right. The witch of the west now disappears in smoke. Everybody can get up from their hiding places.

Sally: It's all right. You can get up! She's gone! It's all right. You can all get up. Phew! What a smell of sulfur!

Jojo: Is that what it is I smell? I thought it was just his bad cologne.

Chairman: *glares at Jojo and grinds his teeth*

Sally: I'm afraid you've made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West. The sooner you get out of Oz altogether, the safer you'll sleep, my dear.

Hanna: Oh I'd give anything to get out of Oz altogether but which is the way back to Whoville? I can't go the way I came.

Sally: No, that's true.

Jojo: Oh, so now she's just going to run off and leave the busted up house in Munchkinland? That's littering, isn't it? Or dumping?

Me: Jojo, please.

Jojo: I'm just keeping track of all this law-breaking she's doing!

Sally: *shakes head* The only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself!

Ned: Heh, 'great and wonderful'. That's me! *holds lapel and tries to look noble*

Sally: You certainly are, dear!

Hanna: The Wizard of Oz? Is he good or is he wicked?

Sally: Oh very good, but very mysterious!

Ned: Of course! *whispers in Sally's ear*

Sally: *giggles* Oh you! Let's be serious now! He lives in Emerald City and that's a long journey from here! Did you bring your broomstick with you?

Jojo: *smirks* Heh! Yeah! Did you?

Hanna: If I did I'd hit you with it! No, I'm afraid I didn't.

Sally: Well then, you'll have to walk. The Munchkins will see you safely to the border of Munchkinland. And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet for a moment or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West!

Jojo: *makes face* Not even when she takes a bath? Phew! Stinky feet!

Hanna: Hmph! But how do I start for the Emerald City?

Sally: It's always best to start at the beginning. And follow the yellow brick road.

Hanna: But what happens if I..?

Sally: Just follow the yellow brick road.

Me: Ok, Glinda leaves and the Munchkins all tell her goodbye.

95 Who girls: Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Jojo: Ergh, screechy voices in stereo times 95!

Hanna: My! People come and go so quickly here! Follow the yellow brick road.

Who girl Munchkin Mayor: Follow the yellow brick road!

Who girl Barrister: Follow the yellow brick road!

Who girl 3: Follow the yellow brick road!

Jojo: Bossy, aren't they?

Me: Ok, now the Munchkins sing!

Jojo: Oh no.

95 Who girls: Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!

You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of oz!

You'll find he is a wiz of a Wiz, if ever a wiz there was!

If ever or ever a wiz there was the Wizard of Oz is surely one because

Because because because because!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

You're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!!

Chairman: My headache just returned.

Jojo: Mine too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Wizard of Who Chapter Six**

*******Oops! I messed up on the chapters, having connected #5 with #4! Oh well. As long as the story flow hasn't be changed.***

**Dorothy Meets The Scarecrow and the Rest Readthru**

Me: Ok, so now Dorothy had left behind Munchkincity and the Munchkins. She is now walking down the yellow brick road until she comes to an intersection where the road splits off in 3 directions. Hanna?

Hanna: Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road.

Jojo: She doesn't mumble that all the way to Emerald City, does she?

Hanna: Well, now which way do we go?

Me: Burt, Scarecrow, you're up. You're in the field hanging on a post.

Burt: Sounds a bit uncomfortable. Pardon me, this way is a very nice way.

Hanna: Who said that?

Me: Jojo, you get to bark here. You bark at the scarecrow.

Jojo: Goody. Woof woof.

Me: Not a very enthusiastic bark there.

Jojo: What do you expect? I've just been walking some miles behind this girl who mumbles 'follow the yellow brick road' constantly. And all I've had to eat so far was one snitched hot dog.

Me: Well, it's just a play after all.

Jojo: So, along with being a murderer and litterbug, Dorothy's also an animal abuser.

Hanna: I am not!

Jojo: Ok, then show me one scene where you take care of Toto anywhere in this play! Such as giving him a bone or even a bowl of water?

Hanna: I saved you from being destroyed by Miss Gulch!

Jojo: No, I think I saved myself. I jumped out of that basket with no help from you. You just went off crying after Aunty Em stuffed me in there.

Me: Ah…how about getting back to the play, please?

Jojo: Ok. Yap! Yap!

Burt: Ow, that was right in my ear.

Jojo: I'm supposed to be barking at you, aren't I?

Hanna: Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk!

Jojo: Fine. Don't believe me then. Drag poor Toto all down this yellow brick sidewalk and when he barks a warning you just think he's a liar.

Burt: Ah…yes. It's pleasant down that way too.

Hanna: That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?

Jojo: See?

Burt: Of course people do go both ways.

Hanna: Why, you did say something, didn't you?

Jojo: And she never apologizes for doubting Toto.

Hanna: Are you doing that on purpose or can't you make up your mind?

Jojo: Who, me?

Hanna: No, the scarecrow!

Burt: That's the trouble. I can't make up my mind. I haven't got a brain. Only straw.

Hanna: Well, how can you talk if you haven't got a brain?

Jojo: Why not? Hanna does! Ow!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Burt: I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?

Hanna: *glares at Jojo* Yes, I guess you're right. Well, we haven't really met properly, have we?

Burt: Why no.

Hanna: How do you do?

Burt: How do you do?

Hanna: Very well, thank you.

Burt: Oh I'm not feeling at all well. You see, it's very tedious being stuck up here all day long with a pole up your back.

*Everybody glances over at Jojo*

Jojo: No, don't worry. I'm not touching that.

Hanna: Oh dear. That must be terrible uncomfortable! Can't you get down?

Burt: Down? No, you see, I'm…well…I'm…

Hanna: Oh well, here. Let me help you.

Burt: Oh that's very kind of you. Very kind.

Jojo: But she's not kind to animals. To scarecrows, sure but poor little Toto?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo. Oh dear, I don't quite see how I can…

Burt: Of course, I'm not bright about doing things but if you'll just bend the nail down in back maybe I'll slip off and..

Jojo: Heh, a scarecrow with no brains can figure it out but not Dorothy!

Hanna: Oh…yes.

Burt: Oh! Whoops! There goes some of me again!

Jojo: You're not falling apart on the stage, are you?

Me: No, he just loses straw.

Hanna: Does it hurt you?

Jojo: She never thought of asking if Toto was hurt.

Burt: Oh no, I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again. My, it's good to be free!

Hanna: Oooohh!

Jojo: Ow! Why'd you screech again for?

Hanna: It's in the script.

Burt: It seems I fall a lot and tumble down the slope. Did I scare you?

Hanna: No, of course not.

Jojo: She just scares everybody else around her.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo.

Burt: I didn't think so. Boo! Scat! Boo! You see, I don't even scare a crow. They come from miles around to eat in my field and laugh in my face. Oh I'm a failure. All because I haven't got a brain.

Hanna: Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one?

Burt: Do" Why, if I had a brain I'd….hey, I get to sing!

Burt: *singing* I could while away the hours, conferring with the flowers, consulting with the rain….

Jojo: He'd talk to plants and the weather if he had a brain?

Burt: And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' if I only had a brain.

Jojo: Seems to me that's something a person without a brain would do.

Burt: I'd unravel every riddle, for any individ'le, in trouble or in pain…

Hanna: *singing* With the thoughts you'd be thinkin' you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain.

Jojo: Another who?

Me: Well, hopefully you could find a famous Who whose name rhymes with thinkin'.

Jojo: Another whostery lesson? Urgh.

Burt: Oh I could tell you why, the ocean's near the shore.

Jojo: He needs a brain for that?

Burt: *glancing over at Jojo* I could think of things I never thunk before. And then I'd sit, and think some more.

Hanna: I think you have a nice voice, Burt!

Burt: *gives small bow* I would not be just a nothin', my head all full of stuffin', my heart all full of pain…

Jojo: Maybe that's Hanna's problem, head of of stuffin'!

Burt: I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry

Jojo: Be a what?

Burt: If I only had a brain! Do I also dance to this?

Me: Yep. With Dorothy.

Jojo: And Toto sits on the sidelines, forgotten.

Hanna: Wonderful! Why, if our scarecrow back in Whoville did that, the crows would be scared to pieces!

Burt: they would?

Hanna: Yes!

Burt: Where's Whoville?

Hanna: That's where I live. And I want to get back there so badly, I'm going all the way to Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me.

Burt: You're going to see a wizard?

Hanna: Ah huh.

Burt: Do you think if I went with you, this wizard would give me some brains?

Jojo: *strikes zombie pose* Brraainns! Brraainnss! Br--Ow!

Me: This isn't Night of the Living Dead now.

Hanna: I couldn't say. But if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you are now.

Burt: Yes, that's true.

Jojo: Yes, he'd be worse off. He'd be with you! Ow! Stoppit!

Hanna: But maybe you'd better not. I've got a witch mad at me and you might get into trouble!

Burt: Witch? Huh! I'm not afraid of a witch! I'm not afraid of anything! Oh, except…a lighted match!

Hanna: I don't blame you for that.

Burt But I'd face a whole box full of them for the chance of getting some brains. Look, I won't be any trouble because I don't eat a thing and I won't try to manage things because I can't think. Won't you take me with you?

Hanna: Of course I will!

Jojo: Uh oh, now she's stealing a scarecrow out of some poor farmer's field! She's a one-girl crime wave!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo.

Burt: Hooray! We're off to see a wizard!

Hanna: Oh, well, you're not starting off very well.

Burt: Oh I'll try! Really I will!

Hanna: To Oz?

Burt: To Oz!

Me: And now both of you sing and dance down the yellow brick road!

Jojo: Yeah, but which one?

Me: They just pick one. The middle.

Hanna and Burt: *singing* We're off to see the wizard, the Wonder Wizard of Oz!

You'll find he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was!

If ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is surely one

Because because because because because!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Jojo: And poor old Toto follows afterwards. He never gets to sing or dance, just follow people around.

Me: Well, sorry but that's what he does. He's a supporting role.

Jojo: And he doesn't even get a biscuit out of this either.

Me: All right. That's good. The next scene is in an apple orchard. I'm going to need some of you taller girls to be in the tree costumes.

95 Who girls: Me! Me! Me! Me!

Sally: How about you taller girls? There's eight of you. Is that enough?

Me: That should be plenty.

Jojo: And the smaller girls get to be termites!

Me: Of course not. Now…um…you. You're the tallest so you get these lines. You have to sound mean now! You slap Dorothy's hand when she picks one of your apples and you and the other trees throw them at her and the scarecrow.

Tall Who Girl: Yay! I'm a mean old tree!

Sally: I hope these aren't real apples. Apples can leave a bruise!

Me: No, I think we can get some cloth beanbags to substitute. Hanna? You and the scarecrow have been walking some hours and you're hungry. You see the lovely red apples hanging on the trees and go over to pick one.

Jojo: Stealing again, are we?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo. Oooh! Apples! Oh, look! Oh! Ouch!

Tall Who Girl: What do you think you're doing?!

Hanna: We were walking a long way and I was hungry and….did you say…something?

Jojo: No, she didn't say 'something', she said 'what do you think you're doing?'

Tallest Who Girl: Shut up, Jojo. She was hungry!

Me: Oops, need another tree. Next tallest!

Almost As Tall Who Girl: She was hungry!

Tallest Who Girl: Well, how would you like to have someone came along and pick something off of you?

Hanna: Oh dear, I keep forgetting I'm not in Whoville anymore!

Jojo: Forgetful, aren't you?

Burt: Come along, Dorothy. You don't want any of –those- apples!

Tallest Who Girl: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be?

Burt: Oh no! It's just that she doesn't like little green worms!

Tallest Who Girl: Oh you!

Me: So now the Scarecrow is making faces at the trees and the trees are throwing apples at him.

Burt: Actually that's a pretty smart move for someone with no brains. I'll show you how to get apples! Hooray! I guess that did it! Help yourself!

Me: So now Dorothy scrambles about gathering up the apples and then she discovers a metal foot. She looks up and sees a metal leg. Then up and sees the whole man.

Jojo: Meanwhile Toto sits back all hungry because dogs don't eat apples. Poor Toto!

Hanna: Why, it's a man! A man made out of tin!

Burt: What?

Hanna: Yes! Oh look!

Me: Old Man in the Bathtub! You're up in this scene! So Dorothy and the Scarecrow walk around this discovery. The TinWoodman is standing there holding an axe and silent. But you try to speak with your mouth closed.

Jojo: Teach Hanna that trick, will you? Ow! C'mon! That's not fair!

OMitB: *with mouth closed* Oil can! Oil can!

Hanna: Did you say something?

OMitB: Oil can!

Hanna: He said 'oil can!'

Burt: Oil can what? Ouch! That's almost as bad as Horton's pun!

Hanna: Oil can…Oh!

Me: Dorothy sees the oil can on a stump nearby and fetches it.

OMitB: Ahhhhh!

Hanna: Here it is! Where do you want oiled first?

OMitB: My mouth! My mouth!

Burt: He said his mouth! The other side!

Hanna: Yes. There!

OMitB: Mmmmi..mmmyyy…my goodness! I can talk again! Oil my arms please! Oil my elbows!

Hanna: Here.

OMitB: Oh! Oh!

Hanna: Did that hurt?

OMitB: No, it feels wonderful. I've held that axe up for ages!

Jojo: Watch it, Dorothy might steal it!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Jojo: Well, you've been stealing just about everything else in this play! The slippers, the scarecrow, apples.

Hanna: My goodness! How did you ever get like this?

OMitB: Oh, about a year ago I was chopping that tree when suddenly, it began to rain.

Hanna: Oh!

Jojo: Check the weather forecast next time.

OMitB: *gives Jojo a sideways glance* And right in the middle of a chop, I rusted solid! And I've been that way ever since!

Hanna: Well, you're perfect now!

OMitB: My neck, oil my neck. Perfect? Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect! Go ahead, bang on it!

Me: Hanna, you do so and hear the hollow echoes.

Burt: Beautiful! What an echo!

Jojo: Hanna's not going to do a drum solo, is she?

OMitB: It's empty. The tin smith forgot to give me a heart.

Me: Hanna, you and Burt say this together.

Hanna & Burt: No heart?

Jojo: Also probably no liver, no stomach, no spleen, no guts…..

OMitB: No heart. It's hollow.

Hanna: Oh.

OMitB: *singing* When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle. And yet I'm torn apart.

Jojo: How come everybody gets to sing in this except Toto?

OMitB: Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kinda human if I only had a heart!

Jojo: All I get to do is bark.

OMitB: I'd be tender, I'd be gentle, and awful sentimental, regarding love and art.

Jojo: Not even one tiny little musical howl.

OMitB: I'd be friends with the sparrows, and the boys who shoot the arrows, if I only had a heart!

Jojo: Mom, can I have a bow and arrow?

Sally: No, dear.

Jojo: Dad?

Ned: What did your mother say?

OMitB: Picture me, a balcony. Above a voice sings low.

Me: Um, Sally? How about an offstage cameo?

Sally: Of course! *singing* Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

OMitB: I hear a beat. *raps on table twice* How sweet!

Jojo: This is getting a bit mushy.

OMitB: Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion, and really feel the part. I could stay young and chipper, and I'd lock it with a zipper!

Jojo: Ouch, that sounds painful!

OMitB: If I only had a heart! I take it I also dance?

Me: Yep! And Dorothy and the Scarecrow whisper together in the background.

Jojo: He's going to be noisy!

Me: of course, he's tin, after all! You end it by almost falling.

Hanna:Oh! Oh are you all right?

OMitB: I'm afraid I'm a little rusty yet!

Hanna: Oh dear, that was wonderful! You know, we were just wondering why you couldn't come with us to the Emerald City to ask the Wizard of Oz for a heart!

Jojo: What, he's some sort of surgeon now?

OMitB: Well, suppose the Wizard wouldn't give me one when we got there?

Hanna: Oh but he will! He must! We've come such a long way already!

Jojo: Bossy, isn't she?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Me: Chairman? You're back in the scene!

Chairman: *gives long evil laugh* Bwaha ha ha ha haaaaa! You call that long? Why, you've just begun! Helping the little lady along, are you? Well, stay away from her! Or I'll stuff a mattress with you! And you! I'll use you for a beehive! Here, Scarecrow. Want to play ball?

Me: The witch just threw a flaming ball at you, Burt. And then she disappears in the smoke.

Burt: Oh! Look out! I'm burning! I'm burning! Oh!

Me: Ok, Dorothy and the Tinman get the fire put out.

Jojo: *peering out from under the table* Is he gone?

Burt: I'm not afraid of her! I'll see you get safely to the Wizard whether I get a brain or not. Stuff a mattress with me! Huh!

OMitB: And I'll see you reach the Wizard, whether I get a heart or not. Beehive..Bah! Let her try and make a beehive out of me!

Jojo: And Toto's somewhere taking a nap in the undergrowth, I guess.

Hanna: Oh you're the best friends anybody's ever had!

Jojo: Even better than Toto? See how she just kicks him aside for more interesting companions?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo! And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known all the time. But I couldn't have, could I?

Burt: I don't see how. You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together were you?

OMitB: And I was standing over there rusting for the longest time.

Hanna: Still, I wish I could remember. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?

Burt: That's right!

OMitB: We do!

Jojo: Yippee.

Burt: To Oz?

OMitB: To Oz!

Jojo: Wait, I thought we already –were- in Oz! And just heading for the Emerald City!

*Everybody stops and ponders this for a moment*

Jojo: Ah ha! See?

Me: Oh well. It's just a play. Some things aren't meant to be figured out.

Burt, Hanna and OMitB: *singing* We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

You'll find he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was!

If ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is surely one

Because because because because because!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Jojo: And poor Toto follows loyally after.

Me: So now, Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Tine Woodman are entering a deep dark forest!

Hanna: I don't like this forest! It's…dark and creepy!

Burt: Of course I don't know, but I think it'll get darker before it gets lighter!

Hanna: D-do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals?

Jojo: Why are you scared? You got a guy with an axe with you!

OMitB: Hmmmm, we might.

Hanna: Oh.

Jojo: Chicken!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo.

Burt: Animals that..that eat straw?

OMitB: Ah, some, but mostly tigers and lions and bears.

Hanna: Lions!

Burt: Tigers!

OMitB: And bears.

Hanna: Oh! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!

Me: Ok, let's have a chorus now!

Hanna, Burt & OMitB: Lions and tigers and bears!

Hanna: Oh my!

Hanna, Burt & OMitB: Lions and tigers and bears!

Hanna: Oh my!

Burt: Oh look!

Hanna: Oh!

Me: Magillicuddy! Your cue!

Magillicuddy: At last! I've been waiting with baited breath!

Jojo: You mean you've been eating fishing worms?

Magillicuddy: *gives Jojo a sideways look* ROOOAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Me: Good roar!

Magillicuddy: Ha! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Which one of you first? I'll fight you both together if you want! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back! I'll fight you standing on one foot! I'll fight you with my eyes closed!

Jojo: Somebody fight him already! He's asking for it!

Me: Dorothy hides in the bushes, and the Tin Woodman and Scarecrow cower on the road.

Magillicuddy: Oh, pullin' an axe on me, eh? Sneakin' up on me, eh? Why I'll…

OMitB: Here here. Go away and let us alone!

Jojo: You're chicken too? You're a metal man with an axe!

Magillicuddy: Oh, scared, huh? Afraid, huh? Hey, how long can you stay fresh in that can? Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junkyard! Put your hands up, you lopsided bag of hay!

Burt: Now, that's getting personal, Lion!

OMitB: Yes, get up and teach him a lesson!

Burt: Well, what's wrong with you teaching him?

OMitB: Well I..I hardly know him!

Me: Ok Jojo. You're not afraid of the lion and you bark and attack.

Jojo: My big scene! Heh, I'll bite his tail! Yap! Yap!

Magillicuddy: Well, I'll get you anyway, PeeWee.

Jojo: Wha…hey. Why'd you call me that?

Magillicuddy: Sorry, Jojo. It's in the script.

Jojo: *slumps down in chair* Hey, I know I'm short and all but c'mon.

Me: It's just a play. He doesn't really mean it.

Jojo: Yeah, but that's the kind of thing some guys pick up on. I don't want to have the line 'I'll get you anyway, PeeWee' shouted at me in school or have that nickname stuck on me. It's not easy being the shortest guy around, y'know.

Me: You have a point there. Perhaps we'll have the Lion just say 'Well,I'll get you anyway'.

Magillicuddy: Well, I'll get –you- anyway! Rooaaarrr!! Grrowf!

Me: Ok?

Jojo: *sitting up again* Ok. Thanks. Yap yap!

Me: So the Lion chases Toto around a tree. Dorothy intervenes, getting between Toto and the Lion and slapping the Lion on the nose.

Hanna: Oh! Shame on you!

Jojo: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyahhh!

Magillicuddy: *crying* Bwah! Why'd you go and do that for? I didn't bite him! Wah!

Jojo: Sheesh. Kinda sensitive for a lion, isn't he?

Hanna: No, but you tried to! It's bad enough picking on a straw man but when you go around picking on poor little dogs!

Magillicuddy: Well, you didn't have to go and hit me, did you? Is my nose bleeding?

Hanna: Well, of course not. My goodness, what a fuss you're making! Well, naturally when you go around picking on weaker than you are- why you're nothing but a great big coward!

Jojo: Picking on a metal man with an axe, I'd say that was pretty brave.

Magillicuddy: You're right. I am a coward! I haven't any courage at all! I even scare myself!

Jojo: If Hanna can get used to scaring herself, you can. Ow!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Magillicuddy: Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks!

OMitB: Why don't you try counting sheep?

Magillicuddy: That doesn't do any good, I'm afraid of them!

Burt: Say, that's too bad. Don't you think the Wizard can help him too?

Jojo: Wonder what this wizard is going to think of this mob coming in all wanting something.

Hanna: I don't see why not. Why don't you come along with us? We're on our way to see the Wizard now. To get him a heart.

OMitB: And him a brain.

Jojo: And Toto a new owner.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo. I'm sure he could give you some courage.

Magillicuddy: Well, wouldn't you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lion? I would!

Jojo: I would.

Hanna: Of course not!

Magillicuddy: Gee, that's awful nice of you. My life has been simply unbearable.

Hanna: Oh, well, it's all right now. The Wizard will fix everything.

Jojo: She hasn't even met the guy yet!

Magillicuddy: It's been in me so long. I just gotta tell you how I feel…

Jojo: Oh, the Lion gets to sing??? When does Toto??

Magillicuddy: *singing* Well, it's sad, believe me, Missy, when you're born to be a sissy. Without the vim and verve.

But I could show my prowness, be a Lion, not a mou-ess

Jojo: 'Mou-ess'??

Magillicuddy: If I only had the nerve!

I'm afraid there's no denyin', I'm just a dandylion! A fate I don't deserve.

I'd be brave as a blizzard…

OMitB: I'd be gentle as a lizard

Burt: I'd be clever as a gizzard…

Hanna: If the Wizard is a Wizard who will serve….

Jojo: Oh, so now she doubts this! Gets everybody else's hopes up and then she's not sure.

Burt: Then I'm sure to get a brain.

OMitB: A heart!

Hanna: A home!

Magillicuddy: The nerve!

Jojo: New owner!

Hanna, Burt, OMitB & Magillicuddy: Shut up, Jojo!

We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

You'll find he is a wiz of a wiz,if ever a Wiz there was!

If ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is surely one

Because because because because!

Because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Me: Great! That's great! Ok, I think we can break for now. We'll take up the readthru with the Chairman tomorrow morning. All right?

Everybody: Sure thing. Ok! Fine.

Me: Ah, Jojo?

Jojo: Hm?

Me: Can't we have one readthru without your remarks? Just once?

Jojo: Then where's the fun?

Me: *sighing* Right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Wizard of Who Chapter Seven**

Me: All right, we start off with the witch this time! Oh, and Sally, have you chosen the Flying Monkey Chief, Nikko?

Sally: Yes, we have Holidaye here to fill that role.

Holidaye: Eeek! Eeek! Ook ook!

Me: She sure has gotten herself into the role quickly. She'll have to get the harness fitted so she'll be comfortable in flying across the stage.

Holidaye: That'll be fun! I'm a flying monkey! Whee!! Ook ook ook!

Jojo: There goes all the bananas in the house then.

Holidaye: Shut up, Jojo.

Me: Mr. Chairman? As I mentioned yesterday, we start with you.

Chairman: *in very evil voice* A-hah! So you won't take warning, eh? All the worse for you then! I'll take care of you now instead of later!

Holidaye: Ook! Ook!

Chairman: *glancing at Holidaye* Heh, when I gain those ruby slippers my powers will be greatest in Oz!

Jojo: Just because of a pair of red shoes?

Chairman: And now, my beauties. Something with poison in it, I think. With poison but attractive to the eye and soothing to the smell. Poppies!

Jojo: Puppies?

Chairman: POPPIES!

Jojo: Oh. Well, sor-ree.

Chairman: Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleep…now they'll sleep!

Jojo: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Me: Jojo…

Jojo: Well, he got boring.

Hanna: Look! There's Emerald City! Oh we're almost there at last! At last! It's beautiful, isn't it? Just like I knew it would be! He really must be a wonderful wizard to live in a city like that!

Magillicuddy: Well, come on then! What are we waiting for?

Burt: Nothing! Let's run!

Hanna: Yes! Let's run!

Burt: Come on! Come on!

OMitB: Hurry! Hurry!

Burt: Oh look! Come on!

OMitB: It's wonderful! The Emerald City!

Me: Hanna, you and Magillicuddy now feel the effects of the witch's spell. You too, Jojo.

Jojo: Zzzzzzzzzzzz!

Me: Jojo?

Jojo: Huh? What?

Me: Never mind.

Hanna: Oh. Oh. What's happening? What is it? I can't run anymore. I'm so sleepy.

Burt: Here. Give us your hands and we'll pull you along!

Hanna: Oh no please. I have to rest for just a minute. Toto. Where's Toto?

Jojo: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sally: Poor dear was up late last night trying to get some special effects worked out.

Me: Ah, I see.

Burt: No, you can't rest now! We're nearly there! Oh don't cry, you'll rust yourself again!

OMitB: Oh, did I miss a cue?

Burt: I think I should have looked at you for that line.

Magillicuddy: *yawning* Come to think of it, forty winks wouldn't be bad.

Burt: Don't you start it too!

OMitB: We ought to try and carry Dorothy.

Burt: I don't think I could but we could try.

Jojo: *yawns* Hanna's too heavy for the both of them, huh? Ow!

Hanna: I am NOT fat!

OMitB: Let's

Burt: Yes.

Me: You two try to get Dorothy up and the Lion falls over in sleep.

Jojo: Just be careful where you're falling! I'm supposed to be sleeping somewhere under those poppies too!!

OMitB: Oh now look at him! This is terrible!

Burt: Here, Tin Man, help me!

OMitB: Oh!

Burt: Oh, this is terrible! I can't budge her an inch!

Jojo: Told you you're too heavy!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Burt: This is a spell, this is!

OMitB: It's the wicked witch! What'll we do? Help! Heellpp!

Me: Sally, you just barely come into sight on the stage and wave your wand.

Jojo: Which will magically make Hanna lighter! Instant diet! Hah hah ow!

Hanna: I am NOT fat!

Jojo: Can't tell from how much you eat at breakfast! Ow! Mom, tell her I'm just telling the truth! She eats far more whoberry pancakes than I do!

Sally: Let's drop it now, shall we? We're trying to get something done here.

Me: And we'll have some fake snow to fall on the stage.

Jojo: Why fake snow? I could rig up a snow machine for the real thing and…

Everybody: No!

Jojo: *slumping down* Oh ok. Fine. Use the fake plastic mess.

Me: Hmm, where are we now? I lost track.

OMitB: I just yelled for help, and Sally is supposed to come at the corner of the stage….

Me: Oh yes, then you have the next line, Burt.

Burt: Let me see……I can't budge her an inch….this is a spell this is…oh! Ok. It's no use screaming at a time like this! Nobody will hear you! Heelp! Heellpp! Then why am I yelling?

Me: I guess because that's all you can think of to do. Then the snow starts.

Burt: It's snowing. No, it isn't. Yes, it is!

Jojo: Make up your mind.

Burt: I don't have one, remember? Oh, maybe it'll help. Oh, but it couldn't help. It does help! Dorothy! You're waking up!

Hanna: Oh. Oh *yawns*

Magillicuddy: Ah, unusual weather we're having, ain't it?

Hanna: Look! He's rusted again! Oh, give me the oil can quick! Oh!

Burt: Here! Oil him!

Magillicuddy: He is rusted.

Hanna: Here.

Magillicuddy: Here.

Hanna: Oil him, quick!

Chairman: *very loudly* CURSES!!

Jojo: Yipe!

Chairman: Curses! Somebody always helps that girl!

Holidaye: Ook! Ook! Eek! Eek!

Chairman: Uh…yes. But shoes or no shoes, I'm still great enough to conquer her! And woe to those who try to stop me!

Me: And you get on your broom and take off for the Emerald City!

Jojo: Up! Up and away!

Me: Wrong show there, Jojo.

Jojo: What, no catch phrase?

Hanna: Come on, let's get out of here. Look, Emerald City is closer and prettier than ever!

Me: And now we'll have some of your girls singing off stage, Mr. Mayor, and if you'll get ready to play the doorman.

Jojo: I thought he was just the Wizard?

Me: In the movie the same actor played the Wizard, the doorman and also the wizard's guard. So I thought you could do that as well.

Ned: Why, certainly! And what song are my daughters going to learn to sing?

Jojo: And as usual everybody else but Toto gets to sing…….

Burt: Wouldn't a singing dog seem rather odd?

Jojo: What, a talking scarecrow doesn't?

Burt: *nodding* Good point.

Ned and Sally: *reading the song* You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night.

Step into the sun, step into the light.

Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place

On the face of the Earth or the sky.

Hold onto your breath. Hold onto your heart. Hold onto your hope.

March up to the gate and bid it open..open!

Me: So now Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tine Man and the Lion reach the gate.

Jojo: And Toto!

Me: Sorry, and Toto. You pull the bell rope. The bell rings and Mr. Mayor, your cue!

Ned: Who rang that bell??

Hanna, Burt, Magillicuddy and OMitB: We didi!

Jojo: Woof!

Hanna: You didn't ring the bell.

Jojo: I just want to make sure I'm not being overlooked.

Ned: Can't you read?!

Jojo: No, I'm a dog, remember?

Burt: Read what?

Ned: The notice!

Hanna, Burt, Magillicuddy and OMitB: What notice?

Ned: It's on the door as plain as the nose on my face! It's uh…uh…I take it the sign isn't there?

Me: Nope. You go fetch it and hang it up.

Ned: Ah.

Hanna, Burt, Magillicuddy and OMitB: Bell out of order. Please knock.

Jojo: Then how did the bell ring in the first place?

Me: It just does. Hanna, you knock.

Jojo: Ow! Not on my head!

Hanna: *All innocently* Well, she said to knock, she didn't say on what.

Me: Oy.

Ned: Now now, you two. Well that's more like it. Now state your business.

Hanna, Burt, Magillicuddy and OMitB: We want to see the Wizard!

Me: Doorman, you're a bit shocked at this.

Ned: Uh…oh..the Wizard? Ah..but nobody can see the Great Oz! Nobody's ever seen the Great Oz! Even I've never seen him!

Jojo: Then how d'you know he's there?

Hanna: Hey! That's MY line! Well, then how do you know there is one?

Ned: Because he…because he's….oh you're wasting my time!

Hanna: Oh but please sir. Please. I've just got to see the Wizard.

Ned: Isn't that the voice you use when you're trying to get me to buy you a Whophone?

Hanna: *giggles* Oh Dad! The Good Witch of the North sent me!

Ned: Prove it!

Jojo: See? He doesn't believe you either!

Burt: She's wearing the ruby slippers the witch gave her!

Ned: Well! So she is! Well, bust my buttons! Why didn't you say that in the first place? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in!!

Jojo: Oh, so we get to go into the city just because she's wearing red shoes? Weird place.

Ned: It's Oz, after all.

Me: So the gate opens and you enter the city. There's a carriage waiting with a horse that changes color. Jojo tells me he can fit some LED lights in a plastic horse body that will do the trick.

Ned: Good job, son!

Jojo: *says nothing but smiles*

Me: We're going to have to get more roles filled here so I'll go around and see what I can do. Meet me back in an hour, ok?

Everybody: Ok.

***An Hour Passes***

Me: Ah! Ok, we got the extras ready here, to be the good townspeople of the Emerald City!

Jojo: How come it's always the 'good people' of Wherever? Never any 'bad people'.

Me: That would be bad PR then. Ok, where's the cabby? I need the cabby to open this!

Who Cabby: Oops! Sorry. *Ahem* Cabby? Cabby! Just what you're looking for! Take you any place in the City, we does! Ouch! Bad grammar!

Hanna: Well, will you take us to see the Wizard?''

Who Cabby: The Wizard? The Wizard!

Jojo: For an extra fee, I bet!

Who Cabby: I—I—why yes! Of course! But first I'll take you to a little place where you can tidy up a bit, what?

Hanna: Oh, thank you so much! We've been gone such a long time and we feel so messy..

Jojo: Heh, you're telling me?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo! What kind of horse is that? I've never seen a horse like that before!

Who Cabby: No, and never will again, I fancy! There's only one of him and he's it! He's the Horse of a Different Color you've heard tell about!

Me: Ok, peoples. Sing!

Who Extras: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! And a couple of Tra la las!

That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Bzz bzz bzz. Chirp chirp chirp. And a couple of La di das!

That's how the crickets crick all day in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Jojo: Crickets crick?

Who Extras: We get up at twelve and start to work at one.

Take an hour for lunch and at two we're done!

Jolly good fun!

Jojo: Hey, I want a job like that!

Who Extras: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho and a couple of Tra la las!

That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Me: Ok, the extras who work in the straw stuffing booth!

Who Extras: Pat pat here. Pat pat there. And a couple of brand new straws!

That's how we keep you young and fair in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Me: Good! Now the Metal Polishing Group!

Who Extras: Rub rub here. Rub rub there. Whether you're tin or brass!

That's how we keep you in repair in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Me: Good! Now the Salon with Dorothy!

Who Extras: We can make a dimple smile out of a frown!

Hanna: Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown? Jolly old town!

Jojo: Uh..what?

Me: Now the group who trims the Lion!

Who Extras: Clip clip here. Clip clip there! We give the roughest claws..

Magillicuddy: That certain air of savoir fare in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Me: Now you're all bacl together again, fresh, neat and polished!

Jojo: And Toto doesn't even get a brushing.

Me: I think he gets a red bow.

Jojo: WHAT!?

Me: Ok, everybody!

Whos: Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

That's how we laugh the day away in the Merry Old Land of Oz!

Jojo: I am NOT wearing a red bow!

Me: *ignoring Jojo* Good! Now we hear screams.

Jojo: Because they saw Hanna come out..Ow!

Me: You all look up in the sky and see the witch in her broom. The smoke is pouring out and forming letters. I already explained to the extras, we can't show it, we'll have to have somebody say what's happening.

Who Extra: Look up there! What is it?

Who Extra: It's the witch! And she's writing something in the sky! S..U..R..R…

Who Extra: Sur..surrender….surrender Dorothy! Who's Dorothy?

Me: Pretty darn good for no script!

Magillicuddy: Who's her? Who's her?

Hanna: It's the witch! She followed us!

Who Extra: Dorothy? Who's Dorothy? The Wizard will explain it!

Who Extras: To the Wizard! The Wizard!

Jojo: Oh great. A riot!

Me: So you all start heading to the Wizard's…ah…castle? Mr. Mayor, now you're a guard!

Ned: I am enjoying this play!

Hanna: Whatever shall we do?

Burt: Well, we'd better hurry if we're going to see the Wizard!

Jojo: Yeah, looks like he's gonna be booked up for a while. Buy your tickets now!

Ned: Here! Here! Everything is..all right! Stop that now! Every..it's all right! Everything is all right! The Wizard has everything in hand! ..I hope….and so you can all go home! And there's nothing to worry about!

Me: So now you slowly break up and leave. Except for the travelers, of course.

Hanna: If you please, sir. We want to see the Wizard right away. All four of us.

Jojo: And Toto doesn't count. Obviously. Can I at least bite somebody?

Me: No.

Ned: Orders are: nobody can see the great Oz! Not nobody! Not nohow! Hmm, the grammar in this play does need a bit of help.

Hanna: Oh but, but please! It's very important!

Magillicuddy: And..and I got a permanent just for the occasion!

Ned: Not nobody! Not nohow! *winces* Ouch!

Burt: But she's Dorothy!

Ned: The witch's Dorothy? Well, that makes a difference! Just wait here; I'll announce you at once!

Burt: Did you hear that? He'll announce us at once! I've as good as got my brain!

OMitB: I can fairly hear my heart beating!

Hanna: I'll be home in time for supper!

Jojo: I guess she's forgotten the house isn't there anymore. How is poor ol' Aunty Em gonna cook supper without a house?

Ned: Some things you just don't ask, son.

Magillicuddy: In another hour I'll be King of the Forest! Long live the King!

Jojo: I thought a lion were supposed to be the king of the jungle?

Me: Not in Oz, I guess.

Magillicuddy: *starts singing loudly* If I were king of the forest!

Not Queen, not duke, not prince.

Jojo: Great, even the lion gets to sing again.

Magillicuddy: My regal robes of the forest! Would be satin, not cotton, not chintz.

Jojo: Since when do lions wear robes?

Magillicuddy: I'd command each thing, be it fish or fowl

With a 'woof!' And a 'woof!'

Jojo: Now he's stealing –my- lines!

Magillicuddy: And a royal growl! Woof!

Jojo: I don't get to sing but he gets to bark.

Ned: Hush, Jojo.

Magillicuddy: As I click my heel, all the trees would kneel!

And the mountains bow, and the bull kow-tow!

Jojo: He'd be rough on the ecology!

Magillicuddy: And the sparrow would take wing! If I…If I…were king!

Each rabbit would show respect to me. Each chipmunk genuflect to me.

Though my tail would lash, I would show compash!

Jojo: Ergh.

Magillicuddy: For every underling! If I…If I…were king! Just King!

Monarch of all I survey! Mon----arrcchhh of all I survey!

Hanna: Your majesty, if you were king, you wouldn't be afraid of anything?

Magillicuddy: Not nobody! Not nohow!

Jojo: Now he's stealing Dad's lines! He's almost as big a thief as Dorothy!

OMitB: Not even a rhinoceros?

Magillicuddy: Imposserous!

Hanna: How about a hippopotamus?

Magillicuddy: Why, I'd thrash him from top to bottomous!

Hanna: Suppose you met an elephant?

Magillicuddy: I'd wrap him up in cellaphant!

Jojo: I'm beginning to see why the lion steals lines though. He's a lousy poet!

Burt: What if it were a brontosarus?

Magillicuddy: I'd show him who was king of the forest!

Hanna, Burt and OMitB: How?

Jojo: Woof? Hey, I gotta take my lines back somehow!

Magillicuddy: How? What makes a king out of a slave? Courage!

What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage!

What makes the elephant charge his tusk? In the misty mist? Or the dusky dusk?

Jojo: I'll have to ask Horton that one.

Magillicuddy: What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage!

What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage!

What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage!

What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the 'ape' in 'apricot'? What do they got that I ain't got?

Hanna, Burt and OMitB: Courage!

Jojo: Grrrr

Magillicuddy: You can say that again! Uh..huh?

Jojo: *snickers*

Ned: Go home! The Wizard says 'Go away!"

Jojo: Ok. *starts to get up*

Ned: Where do you think you're going?

Jojo: But you just said…

Ned: It's in the script, son.

Hanna Burt, OMitB, and Magillicuddy: Go away?

Jojo: Arroooooooo!!

Ned: Jojo!

Jojo: Well, they're sad, I'm sad. Ok? Geez, I gotta have –some- lines in this!


	8. Chapter 8

**Wizard of Who Chapter Eight**

**At the Wizard's Castle Readthru**

The four (five if you count Toto) travelers learn they will not be admitted to see the Wizard after all.

Me: Ok, very good. Now you're depressed and all sink down to sit on the steps.

Hanna: Oh.

Burt: Looks like we came a long way for nothing.

OMitB: Don't cry, Dorothy. We're going to get you to the Wizard.

Burt: We certainly are!

Hanna: *crying* Auntie Em was so good to me, and I never appreciated it.

Me: Mr Mayor, you're listening in here. And getting sadder.

Ned: I see.

Hanna: Professor Marvel said she was sick. And…it's all my fault!

Jojo: Yep, of course it is.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo! I'll never forgive myself! Never- never -never!

Ned: *also crying* Please don't cry anymore! I'll get you into the Wizard, somehow! Come on! I had an Aunt Em myself once!

Jojo: Oh jeez. All this bawling.

Me: The door opens, and you see this huge hallway. Of course it'll be a painted backdrop. But it does look imposing. And at the end we'll have this scary-looking fire…thing that's supposed to be the Wizard's face. Jojo?

Jojo: Heh, you want scary? I'll give you scary!

Ned: But not too much, son. We might have some younger children in the audience.

Jojo: Awww.

Ned: Could even be your youngest sisters.

Jojo: *slumps down once more* Aw man.

Magillicuddy: Wait a minute, fellas. I was just thinkin', I really don't want to see the Wizard this much! I'd better wait for you outside!

Burt: What's the matter?

OMitB: Oh he's just scared again!

Hanna: Don't you know the Wizard is going to give you some courage?

Magillicuddy: I'd be too scared to ask him for it!

Hanna: Oh, well then, we'll ask him for you.

Magillicuddy: I'd sooner wait outside!

Hanna: Why? Why?

Magillicuddy: Because I'm still scared!

Jojo: Boy, he –is- a wuss, isn't he?

Hanna: Oh come on!

Me: Lion, you have this habit of twisting your tail when you're nervous, and you give it a big twist now.

Magillicuddy: Oh, is that why I yelp 'Oh!"

Burt: What happened?

Magillicuddy: Somebody pulled my tail!

Burt: Oh, you did it yourself.

Magillicuddy: I..oh.

Burt: Here. Come on.

Ned: Come forward! Heh, I think that would sound better with a microphone or something.

Me: As a matter of fact you –do- speak through a microphone. Something that comes from the scary fire wizard face thing.

Magillicuddy: So you scare the heck out of a poor lion? Tell me when it's over! Ohhhh look at that! Look at that! Ooohhh ooohhhhh I wanna go home!!!!!

Ned: *sounding very loud and mysterious* I am Oz, the Great and Powerful! Who are you? WHO are YOU?

Hanna: I…if you please, sir. I..I am Dorothy, the small and meek…

Jojo: And a thief besides. Ow!

Hanna: We've come to ask you…

Ned: SILENCE! Hey, this may work pretty well at breakfast time, wouldn't you say, hon?

Sally: Hmmm, might be a bit much though.

Hanna: Oh! Oooh! Jiminy Crickets!

Jojo: Oooooh you swore!

Ned: *Still trying to sound imposing* The Great and Powerful Oz knows why you have come!

Jojo: The Great and Powerful Oz speaks in third person? That's annoying.

Ned: The Great and Powerful Oz speaks in whatever manner he wishes because he's your father and can institute grounding if too much smart talk is heard.

Jojo: Oh. Ok. Fine.

Ned: Step forward, Tin Man!

Me: So you do, OMitB. Slowly though.

OMitB: Ohhhhh!

Ned: You DARE to come to me for a heart? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk?!

Jojo: 'Calig…what?

Ned: The Great and Powerful Oz knows that we do have a Whodictionary at home. Use it!

Jojo: Great. *slumps down* More homework stuff.

OMitB: Ohh..yes…yes sir…Yes Your Honor. You see, a while back, we were walking down the Yellow Brick Road and…

Ned: QUIET!

OMitB: Oooohhh!!!

Ned: And you, Scarecrow! You have the effrontery to ask for a brain??!

Jojo: 'Effront….I know, I know. Use the Whodictionary.

Ned: You billowing bale of bovine fodder!!

Burt: Y-yes Your Honor! I mean Your Excellency! I- I mean, Your Wizardry!

Ned: ENOUGH!

Jojo: Mom? I think Dad's on a power trip or something.

Sally: No, dear, he's just having fun.

Ned: And You, Lion!

Magillicuddy: …….I don't seem to have any lines here.

Me: That's because you fall back in a dead faint.

Magillicuddy: Oh, that explains it.

Hanna: Oh! Oh! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, frightening him like that! When he came to you for help!

Ned: SILENCE, whippersnapper!

Jojo: Heh.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Ned: The Beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests!

Jojo: You got a funny way of showing it.

Magillicuddy: Huh? What's that? What's he say?

Jojo: I said he has a funny way…

Hanna: Not you, Jojo! Oh come on.

Magillicuddy: Huh? What'd he say?

Ned: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West!

OMitB: B.b.b. if we do that, we'd have to kill her to get it!

Jojo: Hmm, send you guys out to do the dirty work! Some wizard!

Ned: This Wizard can still ground someone for smart remarks.

Jojo: *slumps down again* ……..

Ned: Bring me her broomstick and I'll grant your requests.

Magillicuddy: But…but what if she kills us first?

Jojo: Think he cares?

Ned: I said—GO!

Magillicuddy: Ooohhh!!!!

Me: And the Lion is the first to run out and dives through a window. It'll be open, of course. Then that scene closes and we get ready for the next one, in the forest.

Jojo: Oh, not the 'tigers and lions and bears' thing again!

Me: No, this time you're hunting the witch!

Jojo: Ah, then it's Witch Season? Do they need a permit for that?

Me: You'll be carrying stuff like nets, ropes, maybe a club…

Jojo: A big bear trap.

Me: I don't think that would work well against a witch.

Jojo: Heh, and a net would?

Me: Getting back to the hunting party. You're creeping along, maybe jumping at various forest sounds. You're all very nervous.

Chairman: Naturally.

Magillicuddy: I'd turn back if I were you! Ooooohhhhhhhh…..

Burt: I believe there are spooks around here!

Jojo: Spooks? I thought they were in a forest, not a graveyard.

Me: But it's the witch's forest! A haunted forest!

Jojo: Oh.

OMitB: That's ridiculous! Spooks! That's silly.

Magillicuddy: But don't you believe in spooks?

OMitB: No. Why only…Oooh! Ok, what's happening and why am I yelping?

Me: You're being lifted up in the air by 'invisible' forces. In other words, the harness we'll have to rig you in. You get lifted up then tossed to the side. On a soft place, of course.

Jojo: Yep, wouldn't do to get a dent in your costume.

OMitB: Hmmmm.

Hanna: Oh! Oh! Tin Man!

Burt: Oh! Are you..are you all right?

Magillicuddy: I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! I do! I do! I do!

Jojo: Suckup.

Me: Now we have the other side of the stage set up for the witch's room in the castle. It'll be dark as the scenes in the forest are played out, then lighted when it's time for your lines, Mr. Chairman. Holidaye, you'll be there too, as the captain of the Flying Monkeys.

Holidaye: Ook! Ook! Eek! Eek!

Chairman: Fine, fine. *Ahem* Heh, you'll believe in more than that when I'm finished with you! Nikko! Take your army to the haunted Forest and bring me that girl and her dog!

Jojo: Huh? Why me? I don't have the shoes!

Chairman: Do what you like with the others but I want her alive and unharmed! They'll give you no trouble, I'll promise you that!

Holidaye: Ook! Ook!

Chairman: Take special care of the ruby slippers; I want those most of all! Now fly! Fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!

Me: We can rig only so many harnesses up so it'll be just you, Holidaye and maybe just two other 'monkeys'. The rest can just scamper past the window of the witch's room. Then we go back to the forest where the others are under attack!

Jojo: Ooooo, attacked by flying monkeys! The horror!

OMitB: Go 'way now!

Jojo: Just chop 'em up with your axe!

OMitB: That would be too bloody a scene!

Burt: Help! Help!

Me: Oh yes, the monkeys are tearing you apart, Scarecrow.

Jojo: Ew, now that would be a bloody scene!

Me: No, he'll be under some scenery with a fake body, of course. Then the 'monkeys' can just have at it. And Hanna, you and Jojo run offstage and someone will have to say something about Dorothy and Toto being carried off. Hmm, Lion, I guess you can have those lines when you three get back together again.

Magillicuddy. Certainly.

Burt: Help! Help! Help!

OMitB: Well, what happened to you?

Burt: They tore my legs off and threw them over there! Then they took my chest out and threw it over there!

OMitB: Well, that's you all over!

Magillicuddy: They sure knocked the stuffing out of you, didn't they?

Burt: Don't stand there talking! Put me back together! Where's Dorothy?

OMitB: Now let's see….

Me: You and the lion get busy getting him stuffed back together again. Then, Lion, I think if you said something about Dorothy being missing here, the attention will go to you and the audience hopefully won't notice the Scarecrow getting up from under the fake scenery.

Magillicuddy: Wait..wait a minute…where –is- Dorothy?? And Toto?

Jojo: Gee, somebody cares! Thank you!

Magillicuddy: You're welcome. Dorothy! Toto? Here, Toto! *whistles* Come, Toto! Good boy!

Jojo: Uh..let's not get carried away with that though.

Magillicuddy: *chuckles*

OMitB: They took them! The monkeys! And carried them off!

Magillicuddy: But to where?

Burt: To the witch's castle, of course! Come on!

Me: Annndd..the lights go out in that scene and we move to the witch's room in the castle. Dorothy and Toto are there, along with the witch, a couple of her guards and Nikko! And you have Toto by the collar. But gently now, please!

Jojo: Grrrrrrrr!!!

Chairman: *through gritted teeth* What a nice little….dog! And you, my dear! What an unexpected pleasure! It's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness!

Hanna: What are you going to do with my dog? Give him back to me!

Chairman: All in good time, my pretty. All in good time!

Jojo: Uh..what..is he..she..whatever…gonna do to me?

Me: He's just going to put you in a large basket.

Jojo: A basket? What, again?

Hanna: Oh please give me back my dog!

Chairman: Certainly. Certainly. When you give me the ruby slippers!

Hanna: But the Good Witch of the North told me not to!

Chairman: Very well. *says line with relish to Holidaye* Throw that basket in the river and drown him!

Holidaye: Ook! Ook!

Jojo: Ulp. Uh..Dorothy, you gonna give up those slippers or what???

Hanna: No! No no no! You can have your old slippers! But give me Toto!

Jojo: Whew!

Chairman: That's a good little girl. I knew you'd see reason! Ooohhh! Ooohh! All right, why am I doing the yelling this time?

Me: The ruby slippers shock you when you reach for them.

Jojo: Oh, can I rig that up?

Chairman: You do, you little…mutt, and I –will- drown you!

Hanna: I'm sorry! I didn't do that! Can I still have my dog?

Chairman: No! Fool that I am.

Jojo: Yep.

Chairman: *glowering at Jojo* I should have remembered, those shoes will never come off, as long as you're alive.

Jojo: The shoes have glue in them??

Chairman: But that's not what's worrying me. It's how to do it. These things must be done delicately, or you hurt the spell.

Me: At this point, Jojo, you jump out of the basket, dodge Nikko, the witch and the guards. The rest of you go to the 'window' to watch the chase.

Jojo: Yay! My big scene!

Hanna: Run! Toto, run!

Chairman: Catch him, you fools!

Hanna: Run, Toto, run! Run! He got away! Oh, he got away!

Jojo: Whew! And now that I ditched Dorothy, I can find my own way back to Whoville!

Me: Nope, you go find the others.

Jojo: Aw rats.

Hanna: He got away!

Chairman: Arrggh! Which is more than you will, Drat you and your dog! You've been more trouble to me than you're worth! One way or another, it'll soon be over now!

Me: You get the big hourglass in the corner and turn it over.

Chairman: Do you see that? That's how long you've got to be alive! And it isn't long, my pretty! It isn't long! I can't wait forever to get those shoes!

Me: And you leave the scene, leaving Dorothy all alone to cry and watch the hourglass sand slipping away.

Hanna: I'm frightened, Aunty Em! I'm frightened!

Me: Miss Yelp? Your image comes onto the witch's crystal ball.

Miss Yelp: Dorothy? Dorothy! Where are you? It's me, it's Auntie Em! We're trying to find you! Where are you?

Hanna: I…I'm here in Oz, Aunty Em! I'm locked in the witch's castle and I'm trying to get home to you!

Me: The image of Aunty Em fades away.

Hanna: Oh Aunty Em! Don't go away! I'm frightened! Come back! Come back!

Me: And now the image is of the wicked witch!

Hanna: Eep!

Chairman: Aunty Em! Aunty Em, come back! I'll give you Aunty Em, my pretty!

Me: Very good, now we go to the scene of the other three. Jojo, you run on-stage and bark at them!

Jojo: Ok, but I think Toto would rather go off and find his own way home. Woof! Woof!

OMitB: Look! There's Toto! Where'd he come from!

Burt: Why, don't you see? He's come to take us to Dorothy!

Jojo: Actually I just want a doggy biscuit. See how we dogs are misunderstood?

OMitB: Oh.

Me: Jojo, you thn go off stage and they follow.

Burt: Come on, fellows!

Me: Now there's a couple of scenes of climbing up a mountain, including one with the scarecrow hanging onto the lion's tail….

Magillicuddy: Ouch!

Burt: Come on, I don't weigh that much!

Me: but since we only have a small stage, we'll have to just leave it to the audience how hard it is to get to the castle. We'll have one scene with the backdrop painted of the castle up on the mountaintop and rough paths all around.

Magillicuddy: What's that? What's that?!

Jojo: Rawrf! *shrugs when everybody looks at him* What? How else am I going to show them that's it? I'm a terrier, not a pointer!

Burt: Dorothy's in that awful place?

OMitB: *starts to sob* Oh I hate to think of her in there! We've got to get her out!

Burt: Don't cry now! We haven't got the oil can and you're squeaking enough as it is!

Magillicuddy: Who's them? Who's them? Hmm, he does like to repeat, doesn't he?

Me: You see the guards across the stage. The rest of the girls, of course.

Sally: I'm sorry, we only have a few here today, the rest have either soccer practice or music lessons.

Me: I'm sure these girls can teach the others the steps and things.

Who Girls: Ooo-eeeee-ho! Yooo-ho! Ooo-eeeee-ho! Yooo-ho!

Jojo: Have it any more complicated and they won't. Heh.

Who Girls: Shut up, Jojo!

Me: And the scarecrow comes up with a brainstorm!

Burt: I've a plan how to get in there!

Magillicuddy: Fine! He's got a plan!

Burt: And you're going to lead us!

Magillicuddy: Yeah…..Me???

Burt: Yes, you!

Magillicuddy: I-I-I-I gotta get her outta there???

Jojo: See how the scarecrow passes the buck!

Burt: That's right! Um, I mean 'that's right' to the lion, not you, Toto.

Magillicuddy: All right! I'll go in there for Dorothy! Wicked witch or no wicked witch! Guards or no guards! I'll tear 'em apart! Ooh, I may not come out alive but I'm going in there! There's just one thing I want you fellas to do!

Burt & OMitB: What?

Magillicuddy: Talk me out of it!

Me: And now you're so intent on discussing battle plans that you don't notice the three guards sneaking up on you from behind and….yes?

Who Assistant: I'm sorry to interrupt, Director, but we seem to have a problem in the stage department.

Me: Uh oh, is it bad?

Who Assistant: Well, it could be better.

Me: Ok, what is it?

Who Assistant: It appears that the Who in charge of painting the Emerald City backdrop has painted it a nice shade of purple instead.

Me: Purple??? For the Emerald City?

Who Assistant: It turned out rather pretty, actually.

Me: What ever possessed him to do that? Doesn't the word 'emerald' mean anything?

Who Assistant: Not to him, I'm afraid. You see, he's color-blind.

Me: Color-blind? And he was put in charge of painting a backdrop? How did that happen?

Who Assistant: Well, it's a long story. You see, he got involved with a cousin of the painting department technical advisor and…

Me: Never mind. It sounds like that could develop into some sort of soap opera. Ok folks! Seems we have to draw things to a close here for the day! But tomorrow let's try for a dress rehearsal, shall we? The stages should be ready for a tryout.

Jojo: Hey! Can I show you the smoke effects I got then? And the light flashes?

Me: Let me check with the insurance policies first, to see if we're covered or not for that!


	9. Chapter 9

**Wizard of Who Chapter Nine**

**Dress Rehearsal**

_I'm walking into the stage area with Jojo in tow, arguing. All other Whos are on, around and behind the stages, some in costume, others working on the props, lights and stage fittings._

Me: No! No! No! How many times am I going to have to say that?

Jojo: Come on! It'll be just sooo cool!

Me: Forget it.

Jojo: Just once?

Me: Ain't gonna happen.

Jojo: But it'll be GREAT!

Me: Jojo, I don't think Frank Baum ever intended for the Emerald City to be blown up at the end of the story. He did write sequels, after all.

Jojo: Frank who?

Me: The writer of The Wizard of Oz. And nowhere in any of his stories feature demolition, not even of the witch's castle!

Jojo: *pouting a bit* But it would make such a cool ending!

Me: No. And that's the end of it!

Jojo: *sigh* Ok. Fine

Me: *muttering* Just what IS it with guys and explosives anyway? Oh, hey Burt! How's the costume feel?

Burt: Ob, jusd find, dank you.

Me: You ok? Oh darn it, your hay fever!

Burt: Id's ok, I jusd forgod by bedication dis morndig, dat's all. I'll be find, dod worry.

Me: I hope so.

Burt: _Accchooooo!!!!_

Me: Bless you.

Burt: Danks. *sniffs*

Me: Ok, did we get the Emerald City repainted yet?

Who Stage Hand: Yes, it's a nice green now. We even added a bit of sparkle to it!

Me: Whoa, nice touch!

Who Stage Hand: Actually, it was Mrs O'Malley's idea.

Me: Sally had another brainstorm! Y'know, you really should be a producer or something!

Sally: Well, I just happen to have some glitter left over from some of the girls' school projects and never knew what to do with it.

Ned: Hmmm, maybe now that those boxes are out of the basement, perhaps I could use that space for a larger aquarium for Finwick!

Sally: I'm afraid the girls beat you to that space, dear. It now has all the dollhouses in it.

Ned: *sighing* Oh well. I guess Finwick will just have to wait a little longer.

Chairman: Can we get on with this, please? I have a council meeting in two hours and I don't want to appear while wearing this garb.

Jojo: Why not? It'll probably scare them into agreeing with everything you say! Like if they vote against you, you could turn them all into toads or something! Heh!

Chairman: *glowering at Jojo* There's someone I'd like to turn into….

Me: Ok guys! Let's get with it! This is the last rehearsal and the curtain goes up in three days!

*Everyone scrambles to their places and now silence falls over the stage*

Me: *Studying script* Ok, we left off with three of the witch's soldiers about to pounce on the Scarecrow, the Lion and the Tinman from behind. So…

Jojo: *pouting slightly* And Toto!

Me: Sorry, And Toto. You all fall back behind that scenery there and while you yell and stuff, you quickly don the guard's uniforms.

Jojo: Do I get a uniform too?

Me: *chuckles* No, you get a piece of cloth to carry in your mouth to show you took a part in the battle too!

Jojo: Of course I did! Um…please don't make it look like underwear. I may be a dog but that would be disgusting!!!

Me: Ok, no underwear, just a piece of a guard's trousers.

Jojo: Fine by me! Arf!

Me: All right, now the three of you are wearing the jackets and headgear. Umm…Burt? The medallion goes in front.

Burt: Oops! Ok. *quickly corrects hat* That should be right now. *ahem* Come on! I've another idea!

Me: So now all three..I mean..four of you go follow the last of the guards into the witch's castle. When you're inside or on the other stage, you fall back and hide behind…the curtain, furniture, whatever.

Magillicuddy: D..d'you think it's polite, dropping in like this?

OMitB: Come on! Come on! Where do we go to now?

Magillicuddy: Yeah. Where?

Jojo: Arf! *bounds towards the stairs*

Burt: up there! Wait, we'd better make sure! Dorothy! Are you in there?

Jojo: Well, where else would she be? Over the moon?

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo! Yes! It's me! She's locked me in!

Jojo: Good. Keep her there.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo.

Magillicuddy: Listen fellas! It's her! We gotta get her out! Open this door!

OMitB: Stand back! I take it I use my ax on the door?

Jojo: Oh, so NOW he uses the ax!

Me: Yep, chop! Chop! And Dorothy comes out.

Jojo: Rats.

Hanna: Oh! Oh! Oh! Toto! Toto!

Jojo: Ergh, don't get mushy on me!

Magillicuddy: Did they hurtcha?

Hanna: Lion! I knew you'd come!

OMitB: Dorothy!

Hanna: I knew you would!

Burt: Hurry! We've got no time to lose!

Chairman: Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it! Why, my little party's just beginning!

Magillicuddy: Trapped! Trapped like mice..er..rats!

Me: Ok, gather together and run to the other stage! Guards, you chase after!

Chairman: That's right, Don't hurt them right away! We'll let them think about it for a little first. Seize them! Seize them! Seize them!

Jojo: I thought you were going to let us think about it first?

Chairman: There they go! Ah! Now we've got them! Half you go that way! Half you go that way! Hurry! Hurry!

Magillicuddy: What do we do now??

Burt: This way! Come one! No! Back! Back!

Me: Ok, Dorothy, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, Toto, back to the center stage! Guards, you've got them cornered!

Chairman: Well! Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of spears!

Jojo: Lousy poem.

Chairman: *airily* I did not write this. Thought you'd be pretty foxy, did you? Well, the last to go will see the first three go before her! And your mangy little dog too!

Jojo: Hey! That's getting personal!

Me: Careful, Chairman. You're to reach up to the torch and get your broomstick burning, then set it on Burt's arm. Burt, you –did- have the extra padding put on, right?

Burt: *nods* Of course!

Me: Good. Make sure we have the fire extinguishers ready! We don't want any real accidents on stage!

Jojo: Yeah. Wait till we're off! Heh!

Chairman: *looks sideways at Jojo* Yes, a little 'accident' would be nice. *sets broom on fire* How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow?

Burt: No! No! No! Help! I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning! *leaps about shaking arm with flames*

Me: Ok Dorothy! The bucket! Wet him just when he gets in front of the witch!

Hanna: Right! *grabs bucket and flings water, dousing Burt and the chairman*

Chairman: No! Don't throw that water!

Jojo: A little late for that, innit?

Me: Jojo, did you get the trapdoor rigged?

Jojo: Yep! All Jake has to do is push the button! It'll go down. Slow. I know, I know.

Chairman: *slowly sinking into the floor* Oooh! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting!

Jojo: Still think a bit of bloody goo coming out would be good.

Me: *sigh* No.

Chairman: Oh! What a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little g irl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!? Oooh! Look out! I'm going! Going!

*Chairman is now gone, leaving hat, broomstick and black cape. Jojo goes over and poses to be like a dog about to wet on a fire hydrant*

Me: Jojo!

Jojo: I was just kidding! Sheesh, I only have one big scene in this, after all! Thought I'd add a bit of comedy to it.

Me: Ok, leader of the guards. You're up!

Guard Leader: She's…she's dead. You've…killed her!

Chairman: *standing next to me and wearing his usual suit* And that's that. I'm off to my board meeting now.

Me: Ok, Chairman. Don't forget the play starts tonight!

Chairman: I won't. I'll be there. *leaves while eyeing Jojo and muttering something about licenses and kids*

Me: Dorothy? You're up.

Hanna: I..I didn't mean to kill her. Really I didn't! it's..it's just that he was on fire!

Jojo: Ok, so now Dorothy is a murderer once more!

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo!

Guard Leader: Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!

Jojo: Oh no. Are we going to hear that song again??

Me: Ok, all the rest of you guards!

Guards: Hail! Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!

Hanna: The broom, may we have it?

Guard Leader: Please! *picks up broomstick and hands it to Hanna* And take it with you!

Jojo: Naw…we'd thought we'd just leave it here!

Guard Leader: Shut up, Jojo.

Hanna: Oh thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard and tell him the Wicked Witch is dead!

Guards: The Wicked Witch is dead!

Me: Ok! Great! Now the stages are dimmed and the sets re-arranged. Your four are now back in front of the Wizard! By the way, great job on the fearsome head, Jojo!

Jojo: Thanks! I thought the smoke behind it would make it look more mysterious!

*Everybody waits for a minute*

Me: Uh…..Mr Mayor? Your line.

Ned: *pops head from behind curtain* Oops! I'm sorry! I didn't notice you were waiting! *goes back behind curtain* *ahem* Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?

*Everybody holds hands over ears (or in the case of Whos, where their ears should be*

Me: *wincing* Ok, we need to tune that loudspeaker down just a hair or two!

Ned: How's this? Better?

Me: Yep, that's good! That's good! Hanna?

Hanna: *walks up and sets broomstick down in front of fearsome wizard head* Please sir, we've done what you've told us. We've brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her!

Ned: Ahhh, you liquidated her! Ow, what a pun. Ah, very resourceful!

Me: Jojo, you were wrong, you have another big scene here.

Jojo: Huh?

Me: Go over to the curtain! Remember?

Jojo: Oh. Oh! Yeah, I reveal the faker! Heh heh! *crawls over, pretending to sniff about*

Hanna: Yes sir, so we'd like you to keep your promise to us! If you please, sir.

Ned: Not so fast! Not so fast! I'll have to give the matter a little thought! Go away and come back…tomorrow!

Hanna: Tomorrow! But I want to go home now!

OMitB: You've had plenty of time already!

Hanna: If you really were great and powerful, you'd keep your promise!

Jojo: Ok, here I go! *crawls slowly forward holding corner of curtain in his teeth* Grrr!

*Hanna, Burt, OMitB and Magillicuddy turn around to see Ned revealed.

Ned: DO YOU PRESUME TO CRITISIZE THE GREAT OZ! YOU UNGRATEFUL CREATURES! *is revealed by Jojo* THINK YOURSELVES LUCKY THAT I….that I…um..GIVE YOU AN AUDIENCE TOMORROW! INSTEAD OF TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW!! Oh dear. *grabs curtain from Jojo and pulls it back around* THE GREAT OZ HAS SPOKEN!!

*The three approach slowly*

Ned: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN…

*Hanna opens the curtain again*

Ned: BEHIND…ah…the curtain….? The Great..Powerful…Oz..has spoken?

Hanna: Who are you?

Ned: Well, I-I-I..am..*speaks into microphone* THE GREAT AND POWERFUL*…..uh…wizard.

Hanna: You…are?

Ned: Uh..

Hanna: I don't believe you!

Ned: *fumbles with tie* No, I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard…except me.

Burt: You humbug!!

Jojo: What's a humbug? I know I know. The Whodictionary.

Ned: Yes, that's exactly so. I am a humbug.

Hanna: Oh! You're a very bad man!

Ned: Oh no, m'dear. I-I'm a very good man! I'm just a very bad wizard.

Burt: What about the heart you promised the tinman?!

Ned: Well, I..

Burt: And the courage you promised the Lion?

Ned: Well, I..

OMitB and Magillicuddy together: And the Scarecrow's brain?

Jojo: Yip. And they've all forgotten about me. *lays down and pretends to take a nap*

Ned: Well, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity! Every pusillanimous *pauses and looks at Jojo*

Jojo: I don't care anymore.

Ned: ….creature that crawls on the earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from we have universities-seats of great learning- where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But- they do have one thing you haven't got! A diploma! *reaches down and picks up a dark velvet bag and reaches inside* Therefore, by virtue of the authority invested in me by the Universetta Commiteeatum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.

Burt: Th.D.?

Ned: Yes, that's..that's Dr. of Thinkology! *pulls out rolled paper tied with ribbon and hands it to Burt*

Jojo: *snorts*

Burt: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining sides. Oh joy! Rapture! I've got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough!?

Ned: Well, you can't.

Jojo: Is it really that easy?

Ned: Of course not, son. It takes years and years of schooling first.

Jojo: *makes face* That's what I was afraid of.

Ned: *turning to Magillicuddy* As for you, my fine friend, you are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom! Back where I come from we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you do! But – they have one thing you haven't got. A medal! *pulls out large shiny medal* Therefore, by meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against Wicked Witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!

Jojo: Mom? I think I hate it when Dad uses big words like that.

Sally: It's almost over now, dear.

Magillicuddy* Oh, shucks, folks! I'm speechless!

Ned: *going over to OMitB* As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart? You don't know how lucky you are without one! Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

OMitB: But I..I still want one.

Ned: Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called…er…phil…phil..er..good deed doers! And their hearts are no bigger than yours!

Jojo: But he doesn't have one at all! How can it be….*sees Ned looking at him with raised eyebrow*…um…never mind.

Ned: But they have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial! Therefore..*reaches in sack and pulls out heart-shaped watch* in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

Jojo: Dad sure gets some corny lines here. *sees Ned looking at him again and hides behind the curtain*

OMitB: Oh! Oh, it ticks! Listen! Look, it ticks!

Jojo: I don' wanna look at a tick!

Magillicuddy: Read what my medal says! Courage! Ain't it the truth!

Hanna: Oh, they're all wonderful.

Burt: Hey! What about Dorothy?

OMitB: Yes! How about Dorothy?

Jojo: How about Toto?

Ned: Ah..

Magillicuddy: Dorothy next!

Ned: Yes. Dorothy…Ah…

Hanna: Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.

Ned: Well, you force me into a cataclysmic decision. The only way to get Dorothy back to Whoville is to take her back myself!

Hanna: Oh! Will you! Could you? Oh! Oh but are you a clever enough wizard to manage it?

Ned: Child, you cut me to the quick! I'm from Whoville myself! Born and bred in the heart of that metropolis! Employed by the premier Carnival Company only, one day, while performing spectacular feats an unfortunate phenomenon occurred, my balloon failed to return to the fair!

Magillicuddy: It did?

Hanna: Weren't you frightened?

Ned: Frightened? You are talking to the man who laughed in the face of death! Who sneered at doom! Chuckled at catastrophes! I was petrified. Then suddenly the wind changed, and the balloon floated down into the heart of this noble city, where I was instantaneously acclaimed Oz, the First Wizard Deluxe!

Hanna: Ah!

Ned: Times being what they were, I accepted the job, retaining my balloon against the advert of a quick getaway. Aha! And in that balloon, my dear Dorothy, you and I will return to the Land of Whoville!

Me: Very good! Very good! Now, over to the next stage, quickly! Lights!


	10. Chapter 10

The Wizard of Who Chapter Ten

_Yep, it's true! This is the last chapter, the finis! For added credit, go back and count the number of times the phrase 'Shut up, Jojo!' appears in this fic!!_

The cast and I are on the next stage, the Mayor, Hanna and Jojo standing by a balloon prop with all the rest of the Emerald City cast surrounding them.

Ned: This is positively the finest exhibition ever to be shown…well, be that as it may, I, your wizard, par adua outer, am about to embark on a hazardous and technically unexplainable journey..

Jojo: This whole play is unexplainable!

Ned: *giving Jojo a sideways look* …into the outer stratosphere. To confer, converse and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards. I hereby decree that until what time, if any, that I return the Scarecrow by virtue of his highly superior brain..

Jojo: Ulmph!

Ned: *looking at Jojo sideways again* shall rule in my stead, assisted by the Tinman, by virtue of his magnificent heart and the lion, by virtue of his courage. Obey them as you would me. Thank you!

Jojo: So, let me get this straight. He's going to run off and leave three strangers in charge of the city and the people are going to be dumb enough to go along with it?

*Everybody looks at Jojo and he slinks down*

Jojo: I know. I know. 'Shut up, Jojo'.

Me: Well, you have one big scene left, Jojo. You see a cat in the audience and go off to chase it.

Jojo: 'Cat? What cat? I don't see no cat.

Sally: *correcting him* You don't see –any- cat, dear.

Jojo: That's what I said. What cat?

Sally: *sighs and gives up*

Me: Well, I guess we'll have a stuffed one about. But chase something!

Jojo: Don't say chase my tail cause I don't have one! *bounds off-stage, barking* Yap! Yap! Yap!

Me: Ok, Dorothy, you go after him.

Hanna: Do I have to? Can't I just leave him?

Me: Not you too.

Hanna: Ok ok. Oh Toto! Come back! Toto! Toto! Oh don't go without me! I'll be right back! Toto!

OMitB: Stop that dog!

Jojo: *from offstage* 'That dog'! He forgot my name already!?

Ned: This is a highly irregular procedure! This is absolutely unprecedented!

Jojo: Man, I hate big words.

Me: Ok, everybody's looking to catch Jojo and suddenly the balloon rises. Cue the ropemen!

OMitB: Help! Help! The balloon is going up!

Someone offstage* But I thought you wanted us to pull it up!

Me: Yes we do! That's just his line!

Stagehand: Oh, ok.

Me: Ok folks, carry on.

Ned: Whoe line is next?

Me: Umm..yours!

Ned: That's what I thought but I got confused. Ruined! My exit!

Jojo: It sure was.

Hanna: Oh! Come back!

Ned: I can't, my dear. I don't know how it works! *disappears on top of stage* Goodbye folks!

Everybody on stage: Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Hanna: Oh, now I'll never get home.

Magillicuddy: Stay with us, then, Dorothy. We all love you. We don't want you to go.

Jojo: Good. Keep Dorothy. I'll find my own way home.

Me: Jojo….sit on the stage next to Dorothy and be quiet.

Jojo: Well, at least that's different from the usual stuff I get. But can I have a cat tail in my mouth to show I caught the cat?

Me: Ahhh….no.

Jojo: Hmph.

Hanna: Ugh! That's disgusting!

Jojo: It wouldn't be a real cat tail, just one cut off one of your plushies.

Hanna: You touch one of my little toy kitties and I'll stuff YOU!

Sally: Children. Let's stick with the play, please. It's your line, Hanna.

Hanna: *muttering* Ok ok. Um…oh that's very kind of you but this could never be like Whoville. Auntie Em must have stopped wondering what happened to me by now…

Jojo: If she's smart she will. Ow! Stoppit!

Hanna: Oh Scarecrow, what am I going to do?

Burt: Look! Here's someone who can help you!

Me: Sally, your cue!

*Sally steps up on stage*

Hanna: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?

Sally: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Whoville!

Hanna: I have?

Jojo: What!

Burt: But why didn't you tell her before?

Jojo: Yeah, why have her trek all over Oz and drag me along with her in her trail of crime?

Me: *sigh* Jojo…c'mon.

Sally: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

Jojo: Yeah, she's dumb like that. Ow! Quit hitting me!

Sally: Kids, please.

OMitB: What have you learned, Dorothy?

Hanna: Well, I-I think that… it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And that it's..that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't go looking any further than my own back yard! Because if it isn't there, I never lost it to begin with. Is..is that it?

Jojo: Huh???

Hanna: *lowly* And that big brothers are a real pain in the butt!

Jojo: Hey!

Sally: That's all it is!

Hanna: See, I told you!

Jojo: Mom!

Sally: You know I meant what her lines were, not what she said afterwards!

Hanna: Hee hee hee!

Me: *sigh* Back to the script, please?

Burt: But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you!

OMitB: Or felt it in my heart/

Sally: No, she had to find out for herself. Now the magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!

Hanna: Oh! And Toto too?

Sally: And Toto too!

Hanna: Rats. Oh, now?

Sally: Whenever you wish!

Hanna: Oh, that's too wonderful to be true! Oh, oh it's going to be hard saying goodbye. I love you all too! Goodbye, Tinman. Oh don't cry, you'll rust so dreadfully. Here, here's your oil can. Goodbye.

OMitB: now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking.

Jojo: Mush.

Hanna: Oh, goodbye Lion. I know it isn't right but I'm going to miss the way you hollered for help before you found your courage.

Magillicuddy: Well, I never would have found it if it weren't for you, Dorothy.

Jojo: More mush. *slinks down on stage*

Hanna: goodbye, Scarecrow. I think I'll miss you most of all.

Sally: Are you ready now?

Jojo: Yes, are we ready now?

Hanna: Yes, say goodbye, Toto.

Jojo: *still slumped on stage* 'Goodbye Toto'

Hanna: Yes, I'm ready now.

Sally: Then close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. And think to yourself 'There's no place like home'. There's no place like home.

Hanna: *clicks heels* There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Me: Ok, lights dimm and cue the laser lights to swirl about. OMitB, Burt and Magilicuddy, got out of your costumes quickly for the next stage. Get the Uncle Henry cutout and the walkie talkie for Horton in the bedroom. Hanna, get into the bed, Miss Yelp, you'll be next to Dorothy tending her. Jojo, you'll be in your basket next to the bed.

Jojo: I'm not even allowed on the bed, huh?

Me: Ok, next stage!

_On the next stage everyone is ready and the curtain rises._

Hanna: *murmuring* There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Miss Yelp: Wake up, honey.

Jojo: What! You mean all of this was just a stupid dream?

Me: Yes, of course. Now shush.

Hanna: There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place….

Miss Yelp. Dorothy, Dorothy dear. It's Aunt Em, darling.

Hanna: Oh Auntie Em! It's you!

Miss Yelp: Yes, darling.

Jojo: Ugh.

Ned: *pokes head through window* Hello there! Anybody home! I just dropped by because I heard the little girl got caught in the big…well, she seems all right now!

Me: Horton? You keeping up?

Horton: Yep, she got quite a big bump on the head. We kind of thought there for a minute she was going to leave us!

Ned: Oh.

Hanna: But I did leave you, Uncle Henry! That's just the trouble. And I tried to get back for days and days!

Miss Yelp: There there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream.

Jojo: She's nuts.

Hanna: No!

Burt: Do you remember your old pal, Hunk?

OMitB: And me, Hickory?

Magillicuddy: You couldn't forget my face, could you?

Hanna: No, but it wasn't a dream, it was a place. And you, and you…and you…and you! You were all there!

Ned: Ah!

Hanna: But you couldn't have been, could you?

Jojo: She's raving. Commit her somewhere! For her own safety!

Miss Yelp: Oh we dream lots of silly things when we…

Hanna: No, Aunt Em, this was a real, truly live place! And I remember some of it wasn't very nice. But most of it was beautiful! But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was 'I want to go home!'

Jojo: And everybody thought she was a spoiled brat.

Hanna: Shut up, Jojo. And they sent me home!

Jojo: Because they couldn't stand you anymore. Ow!

Hanna: Doesn't anybody believe me?

Horton: Of course we believe you, honey!

Jojo: yeah, sure. Next day they have to send her to the mental ward!

Hanna: Jojo! Shut. Up! Oh but anyway, Toto, we're home! Home! And this is my room! And you're all here! And I'm not going to leave here ever ever again! Because I love you all! And, oh Auntie Em! There' no place like home!!

Me: Lights darken and….curtain! Good job, everybody!

Jojo: Wait a minute, that's it? That's the end??

Me: Yep, that's the way it ends. Right there.

Jojo: But suppose that Miss Gulch comes back when she finds I'm missing from her basket??

Me: Well, that question is never answered.

Jojo: And they have Dorothy commited to a mental hospital afterwards?

Hanna: Jojo! They do not!

Jojo: Why not? They said your 'trip to Oz' was nothing more than one big hallucination. That means you're nuts!

Hanna: Mom!

Sally: Children, please.

Me: Ok ok ok, let's just leave that right here, ok? Remember folks, opening night is tonight! Go home, rest and come back before 6 so we can get everything ready!

_And that's it. The play went off without a hitch, aside from a couple of falling bits of scenery and the mayor almost tripping on the curtain. The play was a huge hit and ran for four weeks before the mayor and the chairman had to resume their council duties. The money raised was more than enough to rebuild Whoville so the remainder was spent on a combination skateboard/tennis/tetherball court._

_And remember folks, there's no place like home!!!_

_*** finis ***_


End file.
